Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Temptation

Submitted by Stevo on Mon, 2023-12-04 20:52

I woke up this morning with the devil by my bed,
“Have a shot of whiskey,” was the first thing that he said...
He poured some in a glass but I turned away in fear,
Then he told me to relax, “Don’t be rude, let’s have a beer...”

He tempted me with power and fame and fortune too,
“You only need to listen when I tell you what to do...
He told me Jesus Christ was nothing but a liar,
“And if you take these little pills, I’ll lift you so much higher...”

He seemed like such a gentleman, with so much wit and charm,
But when I tried to get away, he grabbed me by the arm...
He laughed and tersely said, “Where do you think you’ll go?”
His whole demeanour changed and his horns began to show...

He said I had no idea of the things in life I’ve missed,
When I covered my ears, once again he grabbed my wrist....
He told me if I’d let him he’d get me on a roll,
And all I had to do was to promise him my soul...

“Lust and depravity, I have an app for that,
Hand me your computer and I’ll show you where it’s at...”
I reached for a bible and I began to pray,
He hissed and scoffed and cursed at me but quickly walked away...

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-12-05 02:52

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Temptation" explores the internal struggle between good and evil, as represented by the speaker's encounter with the devil. The use of vivid imagery and dialogue effectively conveys the temptation and manipulation faced by the speaker. The poem also touches on themes of power, faith, and the consequences of succumbing to temptation.

One suggestion for improvement is to consider the structure and flow of the poem. Currently, the poem is written in a narrative style with a consistent rhyme scheme. However, some of the lines feel forced or lack fluidity. For example, in the second stanza, the line "Then he told me to relax, 'Don't be rude, let's have a beer...'" could be revised to create a smoother rhythm and enhance the overall flow of the poem.

Additionally, the poem could benefit from further development of the speaker's emotions and internal conflict. While the external dialogue with the devil is well-crafted, the poem could delve deeper into the speaker's thoughts and feelings

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

Mon, 2023-12-04 21:31

RoseBlack's picture
Volunteer badge

Good job of using an encounter with the devil to address the daily struggle with addiction and if this is true for you, your inner demons. The honesty and emotion was felt in every line. The flow and rhyme was on point and made it easy for the reader to follow and really hear your story. Well done

~RoseBlack~

Stevo

Tue, 2023-12-05 07:59

Stevo's picture

Thank you so much

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2023-12-05 08:37

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

with addiction is a tough one.
I was struck by the tempo and think that with a few exceptions
you have gotten it right. I'm usually not much for longer lines
but most these seem to do it well.

I would rearrange the line: He tempted me with power and fame and fortune too.
[He tempted me with power, fame and fortune too].

The line: When I covered my ears, once again he grabbed my wrist.
could become:
[When I covered up my ears, again he grabbed my wrist]

A few more commas could be put in where the natural pauses are evident.
He told me if I let him, he'd get me on a roll.
And all I had to do, was promise him my soul.

Lust and [pure] depravity, I have an app for that. [could lengthen this line.]

I reached for [my [good] or [old] bible, and I began to pray.

Your overall language and theme are great, just a fw little bobbles. Nicely done! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Stevo

Tue, 2023-12-05 20:38

Stevo's picture

All very good suggestions, thank you

author comment

Candlewitch

Tue, 2023-12-05 08:47

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

I really enjoyed this poem with its excellent rhyming scheme. the story of addiction is well told, too! my favorite lines are:

He said I had no idea of the things in life I’ve missed,
When I covered my ears, once again he grabbed my wrist....
He told me if I’d let him he’d get me on a roll,
And all I had to do was to promise him my soul...

mine was only an addiction to nicotine. and another human being.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Stevo

Tue, 2023-12-05 20:39

Stevo's picture

Thank you, Cat

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.