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Sunset Saved our Sanity

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Sat, 2023-04-22 06:07

That day, we spotted dolphins dancing,
free and foaming, out to sea,
in the dawn, down by the arbour,
from the wall, beside the quay.

The deep blue ocean shone and shimmered,
gleamed and glimmered in the sun.
Those scorching rays fell fierce as famine,
bleaching, burning everyone.

That day, the sky broke through with beauty,
strewed that mottled hazy horde.
Clouds clung on, but soon were leaving,
cut and cleaved by solar sword.

That day, we drifted, wandered, dreaming,
seeking shelter’s shady nook.
She sat still and scorched in silence;
‘neath my hat I read a book.

That day, the seagulls ceased their shrieking,
soared in silence overhead.
Noontime on the burning beaches:
bathers, laid out like the dead!

That day, the summer stillness settled,
like a scorching, sacred shroud.
Merged with moving, melting masses,
crucified that Cornish crowd!

That day dragged on till sun was dying,
sinking slowly in the sea.
Globe of gold in ocean bleeding:
sunset saved our sanity!

Review Request (Intensity): 
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Last few words: 
Phew! That was a hot day!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-04-22 06:07

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Sunset Saved our Sanity" captures the essence of a scorching summer day by the sea in Cornwall. The imagery is vivid and evocative, painting a picture of a world stripped bare by the relentless heat. The dolphins dancing in the sea provide a moment of respite, a glimpse of freedom and joy amidst the desolation.

The use of alliteration and internal rhymes adds a musical quality to the poem, enhancing its poetic impact. The repetition of the phrase "that day" creates a sense of continuity and reinforces the idea that this was a day like no other.

However, the poem could benefit from some editing to tighten up the structure and reduce repetition. For example, the phrase "that day" is used six times, which can become tiresome for the reader. Additionally, some of the lines could be condensed to improve the flow and pacing of the poem.

One suggested line edit could be to replace "Those scorching rays fell fierce as famine" with "Scorching rays fell fierce as famine", as the use of "those" is unnecessary and disrupts the flow of the line.

Overall, "Sunset Saved our Sanity" is a well-crafted poem that captures the beauty and brutality of a summer day by the sea. With some minor editing, it could be even more impactful.

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Geezer

Sat, 2023-04-22 14:01

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an approximation of what I would have said; had I gotten here first. I see nothing seriously wrong with this piece and indeed,
I feel that with a bit of fine tuning of word endings and a case of less being more; this could be a little smoother. ~ Geez.
.

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Lavender

Sat, 2023-04-22 21:59

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Another fine poem! Great images and activity. I feel the discomfort of the scorching sun. I do agree with the use of "That day" - actually 7 times, as a bit too much. It became somewhat distracting. Possibly something a little different through the middle verses of the poem?
Thank you!
L

Blue-eyed Bolla

Sun, 2023-04-23 11:59

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Yeah, I totally agree. I'm deffo going to edit it. Many thanks for spotting it.

KBloor

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