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Sunday Morning... July Challenge

Submitted by Geezer on Sat, 2023-07-15 22:58

The gentle cluck of chickens
Distant bark of a shepard dog
The famer's low voice hyupping
Coming through the valley's fog

Splitting wood... kachunk, a rattle
Coffee smells and sweet corn bread
Wash yourselves and wake up
Come on boys, get out of bed

Breakfast of eggs and sausage
The fruit of orchard on toast
The morning just getting on, son
This is a time I love the most

The sun rising up o'er the hillside
Shines sweet on the laundry line
The Mrs. singing, a doo-dah soft
On a Sunday morning so fine

Yes, Sunday morning so fine

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
After looking at this and doing the out loud thing, I realized that out loud was different than whispered in my head. LoL So, I shortened a few lines and did a couple of switches of words and voila, better.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week July 30th To August 5th 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-07-16 05:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses sensory details to create a vivid image of a Sunday morning on a farm. The sounds, smells, and sights all contribute to the atmosphere and setting. The use of dialect ("hyupping", "doo-dah") also adds authenticity and character to the poem.

However, the poem could benefit from more consistent rhythm and rhyme. The first and third stanzas have an ABAB rhyme scheme, while the second and fourth stanzas have an AABB rhyme scheme. The fifth stanza has an AA rhyme scheme. Consistency in rhyme scheme can help create a more seamless reading experience.

Additionally, the rhythm of the poem is somewhat irregular, with lines varying in length and syllable count. This can disrupt the flow of the poem and make it harder for the reader to follow. Consider revising the poem to have a more consistent rhythm.

Lastly, while the poem does a good job of describing the setting and atmosphere, it could benefit from more exploration of the speaker's emotions or thoughts. This could add depth to the poem and make it more engaging for the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Sun, 2023-07-16 22:50

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your advice and shortened a couple of the lines, to make the rhythm better. ~ Geezer.
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author comment

Ruby Lord

Sun, 2023-07-16 05:41

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You've created a completely relaxed atmosphere here for the reader and as it led me through the poem I could see your farm and hear the farmer's low voice while chopping wood.

It's almost like a story book being opened a page at a time, that is how good it reads for me. Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Geezer

Sun, 2023-07-16 07:51

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That was my intention. I remember from spending time with some great people on a farm. These people don't have time for church on a Sunday morning [or any morning], but they have a certain religious quality in the way they live their lives. I found them very willing to give of themselves, and whatever they have. They work hard and expect everyone to do their share.
Each person according to their abilities and strengths, gives back to the community. Even the children, gather eggs, collect wood and kindling. Of course, they also enjoy some freedom to swim in the creek and play games with the babies. I don't see the things that the AI says about the rhyme scheme, but I will check out the meter a little more closely. Thank you much for your read and comments. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Obadiah Grey

Mon, 2023-07-17 13:41

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Bollocks to heaven,,,, this'll do me jus' fine !!!

Obi.

Geezer

Mon, 2023-07-17 15:45

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I've been graced with an ultimate compliment! Thank you! ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

leoferaco

Thu, 2023-08-03 15:10

This is exactly how I wish I could spend my Sunday mornings. Thank you for transporting me there, nicely done.

- leo

Rosewood Apothecary

Sat, 2023-08-05 05:09

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It kinda feels like it has the makings of a good old folk song. Nice job buddy.

Tim

Geezer

Sat, 2023-08-05 12:46

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Glad that it came across that way. Exactly how I wanted. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Alex Tanner

Sat, 2023-08-05 05:53

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As the son of a Poultry and Pig farmer this bought back a few memories. Only a couple of lines I felt could be edited a little. Interesting to note AI's comments almost mirrors one it made of mine. Not sure he is really fit for purpose yet. Give me an honest person anyday. Alex

Geezer

Sat, 2023-08-05 12:49

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to hear your opinion. I will look at it again to see what I might have missed, or you could tell me. I'm not afraid of a little criticism. I can take it. LoL
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Alex Tanner

Sat, 2023-08-05 13:45

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Hi Geezer. When I read poetry I read it as though I were performing it in a play. I finally approached yours just right, I think. I certainly had it flowing nicely after several readings. Leave it as it is. Now I must go and feed the pigs, sorry, grandchildren. Alex

Jenifer James

Sat, 2023-08-05 09:27

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I love your humanity, how you describe your life. This is so visual, and it's warm, and full of love.

It's a moment in time. A photograph, a snapshot.

Thank you.

Jenifer Jaspa James

Geezer

Sat, 2023-08-05 13:00

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thanks for the glory, you guys. Having gotten to this ripe, old age of seventy-five. I like to think that I am a pretty good judge of people and places you find them. I enjoyed spending a season with them and the familial-feel I got. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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