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Royalty Gone Bad...
I was locked in the basement without any light
Chained to the furnace since Saturday night
A small bowl of dogfood, a bit of warm water
I was paying my penance, just like I oughta
I made the mistake, of not paying attention
The Queen took my silence, for a transgression
Which would it be, sharp whips or cold chains?
I smelled in the dark... the floor's bloody stains
She's crazy, I know, and she's coming for me
I thought I was strong, I guess now we'll see
The door makes a creak, at the top of the stair
She appears in the light, nude, but for hair
She saunters like liquid, all fire and ice
She's snapping her whip, her smile isn't nice
Well, what have we here, is this my bad boy?
The look on her face, is pure evil and joy
Woooo, pretty baby, I'm right where you left me
I'm such a bad boy; you must punish me, see?
I'm joking of course, but the lash cuts my skin
I twist and I turn, as it all starts again
No one to hear, and my screams echo loud
She plays to her visions, a blood-thirsty crowd
I wish I said "NO" when they asked; was I safe?
My screams are too little, and very much late
Style / type:
Structured: Western
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I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
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New York State - USA
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Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-05-22 18:40
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem employs a narrative style, which effectively conveys a chilling and dark story. The use of first-person perspective draws the reader into the protagonist's experience, enhancing the emotional impact.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. For instance, the second stanza has a different syllabic count compared to the others, which disrupts the flow.
The imagery is vivid and contributes to the overall dark and unsettling atmosphere. The line "She saunters like liquid, all fire and ice" is particularly effective in portraying the antagonist's menacing character.
The use of dialogue in the poem, such as "Well, what have we here, is this my bad boy?", adds another layer of interaction between the characters. However, it might be more impactful if the dialogue was integrated more seamlessly into the narrative, rather than appearing disjointed.
The poem ends on a note of regret, which brings a sense of closure to the narrative. However, the final line "My screams are too little, and very much late" could be rephrased for clarity and to maintain the poem's rhythm.
Overall, the poem successfully tells a dark and disturbing story, but could benefit from some improvements in rhythm, meter, and dialogue integration.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Rula
Wed, 2024-05-22 16:35
Sir Gee
An amazing narrative drama.
I thought the consistent rhythm and rhythm worked hand in hand to enhance the whole thing.
Thank you for sharing.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Geezer
Wed, 2024-05-22 18:56
Thank you...
I thought that my meter was pretty consistent, and the rhyme good too. I'm glad that you liked the drama, it was a story I made up, from a couple of sources. ~ Geez.
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author commenttyro
Wed, 2024-05-22 17:21
The writing is good with
The writing is good with between ten to twelve beats per line, and the rhymes near perfect. I like the story, but admit it is not totally clear to me. I came up with different scenarios, some of them wild, some of them mild, some of them innocent.
Tyro
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
Geezer
Wed, 2024-05-22 19:09
The story is...
about a woman who thinks she is royalty. She has a dominatrix set-up in her basement, and she chains her boy-toy to the furnace for inconsequential offenses and beats and tortures him. I was going to make it about a sadomasochist and her minion, or the masochist, but decided that he would be an unwilling partner. Thanks for the read and comments, ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentAlex Tanner
Wed, 2024-05-22 17:28
Hi Geez.
Loved it. Readers should not look for meanings just let their imagination flow. Alex
Geezer
Wed, 2024-05-22 19:13
Glad...
you loved it. I tried to tell it in a coherent manner to make sense of it, I did add the twist at the end, because I wasn't sure how to end it at first; but settled for the unwilling participant. Thanks again, ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentRoseBlack
Wed, 2024-05-22 23:42
Do you feel safe...
This is great! I love how he's at her mercy regretting that he ever said yes
~RoseBlack~
Geezer
Thu, 2024-05-23 07:24
I thought that...
you would enjoy this one in particular. I must admit, it turned out a bit different than I originally intended; but then, many of mine do. I just let my muse run with it, and once again she produced a gem from a rough piece of rock. Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commenttyro
Thu, 2024-05-23 02:55
Ok, so I did understand it.
Ok, so I did understand it. My hesitation was in believing my interpretation was too spicy to be right
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
Geezer
Thu, 2024-05-23 07:31
If you...
look through my works, you will find that I am not afraid to tread the line between what might be spicy and too hot. Sometimes, I get shut down, and not more than one comment, and others are well-received, like the one previous to this. Ahhh well, no chances taken, nothing gained. Thank you for your read and comments. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentObadiah Grey
Thu, 2024-05-23 10:59
Look, I'll give yer five quid
Look, I'll give yer five quid fer her address !
on the hush hush don't yer know,,, ssshhhhhh.
Loved it dear boy, loved it.
Obi.
Geezer
Fri, 2024-05-24 08:55
Thank you...
dear boy, you've made my day. I'll see if she will divulge her address, [be careful, what you ask for].
Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
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