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Horsing Around...

Submitted by Geezer on Tue, 2024-05-28 11:17

Vague memories of a noble steed
and the paladin I was
My horse was of a humble birth
I rode for justice' cause

He reared way up, hooves a flying
against the country dawning sky
There in the distance, the quarry
The proverbial, wanted bad guy

We raced along the grasslands
We dodged bullets and I hung low
Caught the bad guy and I jumped him
He drew his gun, but way too slow

I socked him in his jaw
and we tussled all around
he tried to hit me with a rock
that he found upon the ground

The battle was all over now
we'd won the day at last
My horse helped me get the bad guy
because he was lightning fast

An incongruous name of "Old Soap"
but yet, a much beloved steed
He was my favorite companion
he fulfilled my cowboy needs

I can't remember what happened
to my faithful "Old Soap" friend
It was so very long ago
I don't know how he met his end

Almost seventy years have passed
since I saw him last
I hope he's found lush, green pastures
where he's still running fast

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
05/24 My Favorite Childhood Toy
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-05-28 17:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem effectively uses rhyme and rhythm to create a narrative that is engaging and easy to follow. The story of the cowboy and his horse is a classic theme that is well-executed here. The use of descriptive language helps to paint a vivid picture of the scenes and actions taking place.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent meter. While most lines follow a rhythmic pattern, some lines are noticeably longer or shorter, which disrupts the flow of the poem. For instance, the line "he fulfilled my cowboy needs" is shorter than the surrounding lines and stands out as a result.

The poem also seems to shift in tone towards the end, becoming more reflective and melancholic. This isn't necessarily a problem, but it might be worth considering whether this shift is intentional and if it serves the overall message and mood of the poem.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more show and less tell. For example, instead of stating "I can't remember what happened", you could use more descriptive language to convey the sense of lost memory and the passage of time. This would make the poem more engaging and emotionally resonant for the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Wed, 2024-05-29 22:43

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Hi, Geezer!
What a fun poem! Wonderful, vivid imagery. It's as if I'm inside little Geezer's imagination with his playmate, Old Soap. A really happy feeling here!
Thank you!
L

Geezer

Thu, 2024-05-30 12:10

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a poem that I posted here quite a while back, I thought that I would use it to enter the "My Favorite Toy" Challenge.
Last few words:
I had an old stick horse, with a head made from an old pillow-case or sheet and stuffed with who knows what; black button eyes and a bridle made of clothes-line rope. My parents asked me what his name was and I replied "Old Soap". Why, Old Soap? Because he looked like the color of a bar of soap and that's what the cowboys called their horses; Old Paint, Old Silver etc. ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

Rula

Thu, 2024-05-30 12:29

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my eyes as it flashes memories that any child would like to remember.
I thought "Old Soap" would be happy to be considered as your favorite toy
an enjoyable read.
Great share indeed
Thank you

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Geezer

Fri, 2024-05-31 08:08

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for the read and comments, much appreciated. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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