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Summertime Blues... July Monthly Contest
A low and ragged voice
slid down the alley dim
It cupped his lonely ears
and it called to him
Her voice hit all the low notes
the double-bass was thrummin'
He saw her slow and sultry look
He thought that she was somethin'
She gave a little smile to him
as he crossed the floor
just a bit of promise there
and maybe something more
She sipped her drink with lucious lips
posed for him alone
He sucked it up and spent his wad
thought he would take her home
Then last call came down the bar
She sang "A Kiss Is Just A Kiss"
Her gaze was looking through him
he saw something that he'd missed
The bartender blowing kisses
and he felt quite the fool
She'd played him like a guitar
strumming the "Summertime Blues!"
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Listened to some down and dirty blues with guitar and piano for this one!
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
New York State - USA
Favorite Poets
Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.
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Comments
Candlewitch
Sat, 2022-07-02 05:42
dear Geezer,
LOL, just exactly who and what were you listening too? it gave you superb inspiration! the timing is just fine, it reads smoothly. the beginning of this poem is the bait, and you set the hook with it. my favorite lines are:
Her voice hit all the low notes
the double-bass was thrummin'
He saw her slow and sultry look
He thought that she was somethin'
Great work, Geez! Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Sat, 2022-07-02 07:45
Thank you...
I was looking for ladies singing the blues and came across a few from the 1920' and 30's, and while they didn't give me the voice I wanted and the music was a little fast, they did give me some teriffic lyrics! Some titles included: Dangerous Blues,
by Alice Leslie Carter, Do What You Did Last Night - Alice Clinton. I Want Plenty Grease In My Fryin' Pan - Margret Carter and When I Go Your Good Thing Goin' Too by Josephine Carter. Some of the lyrics were very racy and suggestive! I combined the ideas from the lyrics with the slower softer sounds of guitar and piano instrumentals, and Voila! Sometimes, it's necessary to take from one scene and mix with others to get what you want! I got what I wanted in this one, but was constrained a little by the parameters of six stanzas. I could have gone on for a couple more. Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
.
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author commentRosewood Apothecary
Sat, 2022-07-02 05:50
Superb
Excellent job. Fix nothing. I love this story. Excellent twist at the end.
Great job,
Tim
Geezer
Sat, 2022-07-02 07:49
This is...
The product of a couple of hours work. I did some research on female blues singers of the 20's and 30's and as I told Cat,
I got what I wanted by combining some music, lyrics and a vision in my head. Glad you liked the twist-ending! ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Sat, 2022-07-02 08:15
I’m going to check out those artists
I’m a musicologist. I have no choice. In 12 hours I’ll be seeing the current incarnation of the Grateful Dead. Best lyrics ever.
Geezer
Sat, 2022-07-02 08:41
Absolutely!...
on both counts. I have only been to a "Dead" concert once, many years ago, but the music is top-notch and you are right, the lyrics are sublime! Have a great time at the concert. I hope we get a poem out of this! ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentRoseBlack
Sun, 2022-07-03 05:32
Those flirty singers...
Great inspiration transformed into a great write. As always the flow was spot on and the visual excellent. I think I could smell the cigarette smoke and hear the singer's voice as she enticed her most captive audience. Great read.
~RoseBlack~
Geezer
Sun, 2022-07-03 08:57
Thank you...
I don't know why, but those women have always intriqued me. Maybe because I have a vision of them as a more modern version of the sirens from the classical tales of the Greek-Roman days. But their voices always get me; low throaty, vibrating
with a touch of plaintivness come here thing. Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2022-07-14 06:54
Yes...
I do see that and I can also see that your solution is quite good. I have decided not to be proud and use your solution. Thank you. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2022-07-14 07:07
yes...
it reads more smoothly now, with the change of the last two lines!
good morning, Geezer!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Thu, 2022-07-14 14:05
Thank you...
It's nice to have such a mechanism in place that will let me know about the flaws in my work and suggestions on how to fix them. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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