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Spectres release

Submitted by Leslie on Wed, 2024-04-10 06:49

I sought earnestly,
to speak with the dead.
To put an end to the hell
existing only in their head.
To conjure spectres
at night in their dread.
The ghostly images,
of light down the hall
would gather round
to answer my call.
Then venture forth
out into the night
and visit their graves
until first breaking light.
Released from their torment
here on the earth
ready to pass
from this life into rebirth!

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-04-10 12:50

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Spectres release" demonstrates a strong command of rhythm and rhyme, which contributes to its overall mood and tone. However, there are areas where clarity could be improved to enhance the reader's understanding and engagement.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more explicit exploration of the speaker's motivations. The first two lines introduce the speaker's desire to "speak with the dead", but the reasons behind this desire remain unclear. Providing more context could help the reader better connect with the speaker and understand the poem's themes.

Secondly, the phrase "incumbent to pass from this life into mirth" is somewhat ambiguous. The word 'incumbent' typically refers to a person currently holding office, which may not be the most fitting term in this context. Additionally, the transition from life to 'mirth' (meaning amusement or laughter) may not align with traditional conceptions of death, potentially causing confusion. If this is an intentional choice to subvert expectations, it may be helpful to provide more cues to guide the reader's interpretation.

Lastly, the poem's structure could be refined to enhance its flow. While the four-line stanzas generally work well, the two-line stanza ("The ghostly images, / of light down the hall") disrupts this pattern. Consider revising this stanza to maintain consistency, unless the disruption is intended for a specific effect.

Overall, the poem shows promise and with some revisions for clarity and consistency, it could be even more impactful.

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Geezer

Wed, 2024-04-10 08:44

The theme is good...

your title drew me in.
However, you kind of lost me at the end of the poem.
Incumbent to pass? Okay, I'll give you that one,
but from this life into [mirth]?

Maybe if they have been hanging around for a couple of centuries
they might be mirthful...
I guess the logic isn't quite what it should be, but with a little bit of work, it could be much better.
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Leslie

Wed, 2024-04-10 11:05

Geez

my intention was to portray the passing of ghosts into a happier place. Please help me understand?

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2024-04-10 16:20

I guess...

I just associate mirth with a level of gaiety that you don't put on the same level as "Glad to be out of this fk'n joint". LoL
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Wed, 2024-04-10 15:09