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Dark Angel!
A shadow passes,
over me.
I try to exclude
my memories
My mind scarred and broken,
because of the past.
I found out only yesterday,
just how the die was cast.
I never imagined
this would be.
Nothing there in black ink,
but the evidence remains to be seen
The residual effect of
traumatic brain injuries.
I struggle to concentrate
can’t find my words.
My glory days are over,
with nothing more to give or offer
Except a compassionate heart!
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Just a sort of revision.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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South Ogden, Utah
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Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, and all of the poets at neo.
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-07-03 12:03
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Dark Angel" presents a poignant exploration of personal struggle and despair. The use of metaphors and imagery, such as "The shadow of night," and "My glory days are over," effectively convey the speaker's emotional state.
However, there are areas that could be improved. For instance, the phrase "this is is how it would be" seems to contain a typographical error. Correcting such errors would enhance the overall readability of the poem.
Moreover, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of poetic devices. While there are some instances of rhyme, such as "cast" and "past," the poem does not maintain a consistent rhyme scheme. Establishing a consistent rhyme scheme could enhance the poem's musicality and make it more engaging to the reader.
Lastly, while the poem's subject matter is clear, the speaker's situation could be further developed. Providing more specific details about the speaker's past or their current struggles could make the poem more relatable and emotionally resonant for readers.
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Candlewitch
Wed, 2024-07-03 07:01
Dear Leslie,
Is what you have written in your poem true? It is a grievous load to carry. It makes me feel a great deal of understanding for what a professional athlete might live and cope with! I have always admired the way you write. It is creative while being fresh and to the point. It is apparent that you put much into your poetry, and it is inspirational.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Wed, 2024-07-03 07:53
I know...
that losing faculties, on any scale, is scary.
I have some experience on that score. We are here for you.
You have plenty to give back; those of us who are damaged in mind
and/or body, are all wrestling with our mortality. We hear you and them.
Luckily for us, we have Neo. and it seems many people, who look out for us.
Stay strong, we got your back! While I didn't enjoy the theme,
I do appreciate how well you have articulated your plight. ~! Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Leslie
Wed, 2024-07-03 08:28
Cat & G.
Cat it is true, sometimes I snap out of it for a brief period. Thank you for your kind words as usual!
G. although I don't like the theme either it was something that I had strong feelings about which allowed me to write about it.
I love this forum and the chance to share and also feel great support!
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2024-07-03 08:47
Dear Leslie,
to be completely honest with you... I liked it much better before you changed it. no offense intended.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Leslie
Wed, 2024-07-03 11:55
Cat
Ironically, I can't remember what changes I made, but thanks anyway.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
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