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Full of nothing

Submitted by Leslie on Mon, 2024-07-01 16:10

Full of nothing,
my empty little head.

Writing a poem
that was best left unsaid.

Driving my mind
in the middle of night,

Slewn by an obsession
to set things aright.

Frivolous pursuits,
by the sheen of lamplight.

Attempting to reason,
with little foresight.

I’ll get on my knees,
to prepare a shallow grave.

Nothing is here
that I want to save!

When the sun comes up,
what I have done?

Not very much,
my mind on the run!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-07-01 22:10

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Full of nothing" effectively employs a simple, yet poignant language to convey a sense of emptiness and futility. However, there are several areas where it could be improved.

1. Consistency in Meter: The poem seems to fluctuate between different meters, which can disrupt the rhythm and flow. For instance, the second stanza has a different meter than the first and third. Maintaining a consistent meter throughout the poem could enhance its musicality and readability.

2. Imagery and Metaphors: The poem could benefit from more vivid imagery and metaphors. While the line "Driving my mind in the middle of night" is a good start, the poem could delve deeper into this metaphor to create a more immersive experience for the reader.

3. Clarity of Message: The poem's message appears to be about the futility of certain pursuits or thoughts. However, this could be made clearer and more impactful. The line "Nothing is here that I want to save!" is a strong statement, but it might be more effective if the preceding lines built up to this declaration more clearly.

4. Use of Language: The poem uses simple language, which can be effective in conveying certain emotions. However, more varied and complex language could add depth to the poem and make it more engaging for the reader.

5. Conclusion: The final two lines seem to introduce a new idea ("Not very much, my mind on the run!") but they do not offer a clear resolution or conclusion. The poem could benefit from a more definitive ending that ties together the themes introduced earlier.

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Clentin

Tue, 2024-07-02 20:44

Clentin's picture

Sounds like a poet in despair

Leslie

Tue, 2024-07-02 23:13

Leslie's picture

MOST DEFINATELY, THANKS FOR STOPPING BY!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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