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Sneer...

Submitted by Geezer on Sun, 2023-08-06 01:50

A smile snaked across his lips
his beady eyes delivered stares
He swivelled thrusting hips
and smoothed his greasy hair

His dance was calculated
to excite her little mind
To draw her in, close enough
not a thing to hide behind

A mask of good intentions
"Surely you will see...
just thought that I would mention
your best choice, would be me"

He's smooth of tongue and reason
it's always worked before
She should fall for him, why not ?
He's everything and more

But she's had enough of him
she'll never fall again
She'll just turn her wrath into
a hatred of all men

Do it to him sweetheart
take his masculinity
Use your sharp-edged tongue
make sure everybody sees

Then one day, you'll wake up
alone, without a life
because you didn't spare the good one
took his heart with witty knife

There are no shields for hearts
you can cut at will
But remember once they're holed
there's no way they can be filled

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
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Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Sun, 2023-08-06 07:51

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses narrative and imagery to convey a story of manipulation and the resulting bitterness. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.

1. Consistency in Rhyme Scheme: The poem starts with an ABAB rhyme scheme but deviates in the later stanzas. Maintaining a consistent rhyme scheme throughout can enhance the rhythm and flow of the poem.

2. Character Development: The poem presents two characters but does not delve deeply into their personalities or motivations. Expanding on these aspects could make the characters more relatable and the narrative more engaging.

3. Tone and Message: The poem seems to advocate revenge and promotes a negative view of all men based on the actions of one. This could be interpreted as promoting harmful stereotypes. It might be more constructive to focus on the individual's actions and consequences, rather than generalizing to all men.

4. Imagery and Metaphor: The poem could benefit from more varied and vivid imagery. For example, the metaphor of the "witty knife" is intriguing but could be developed further.

5. Syntax and Grammar: Some lines could be rephrased for clarity and grammatical correctness, such as "She should fall for him,why not" and "Do it to him sweetheart".

6. Punctuation: The poem lacks consistent punctuation, which can make it difficult to follow. Adding punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem.

In summary, the poem has a compelling narrative but could benefit from more consistent rhyme, deeper character development, a more nuanced message, varied imagery, improved syntax, and consistent punctuation.

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RoseBlack

Sun, 2023-08-06 11:21

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I love it! The flow and rhythm really work well with the language you used. So many speak through forked tongues and it takes a lot to realize there is no going back because there was never anything good to begin with.

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Sun, 2023-08-06 14:22

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I know the same thing goes for men, we get hurt by a few women, and then paint the rest of womankind with the same brush, not giving them a chance. I was lucky, mine was persistent and stuck with me and stayed through my B.S. stage.
Now, we say, that she's a bitch and it's my job to give her something to bitch about. Thanks for your read and comments. ~ Geez.
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RoseBlack

Sun, 2023-08-06 14:30

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Together. My parents joke with each other like that too and it is what makes them great and probably what helped through the rough spots. Love you both.

~RoseBlack~

scribbler

Sun, 2023-08-06 17:22

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You summed up the way men and women can wound deeply with just words

Geezer

Sun, 2023-08-06 20:43

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for your read and comment. I guess it's true that words can wound more deeply than any knife; [unless it's a deathly wound.]
I've seen it happen, there are those out there, that will never have a good relationship with the opposite sex, unless they change the way they think. ~ Geez.
.

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RoseBlack

Sun, 2023-08-06 21:02

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Words are powerful weapons and both sexes cause damage. Sometimes I have said I'd rather be hit than be verbally abused or used because bruises heal. That stuff doesn't.

~RoseBlack~

Alan Garfoot

Sun, 2023-08-06 19:32

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Geezer, this triggered me, so bear with these comments...

Seems very familiar to me only the girl of the story was my first love, made my ex after the affair, when I was 15, and the guy was a family member who she fell for... Whilst Taking On Drugs... While I was in a different room asleep... Sober... Unknowing of this twist for many years...

Her father selected me to be the scapegoat and sacrifice for his daughters honour...

5 years later, at least five people dead in her wake, and four near death experiences (their called assassinations) a destroyed career in education, a horrific and vicious psychotic breakdown and social ostricisation from my childhood friends was some tough shit to have endured...

25 years later... I still havent had another non-daydream relationship with a girl...

Her father was an occultist...

(ooh my cursed life!)

(I'll write it up for my new poetry submission tomorrow, if i can find my dealers number...)

Good job geezer...

Geezer

Sun, 2023-08-06 20:52

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the good job, I just wish that it would help some of those people that have great difficulty with opposite-sex relationships.
I've seen it happen a lot. I was spared by meeting my third wife. Yeah, my third! Lucky for me, she knew what I was capable of and what she was looking for. I hope that maybe you can be persuaded to give it another go. Just don't jump at the first one that passes by. Take your time, be yourself and fantasize. Good women are out there. ~ Geezer.
.

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Ruby Lord

Mon, 2023-08-07 09:25

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It’s difficult to see the world separate from what we learn, see and read and sadly, salacious headlines work better when you’re selling topical news.

We’re all dealing in stereotypes because we have less space to explore our characters.

I enjoyed your poem, I thought it progressed well throughout and was very entertaining. Well done, Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Geezer

Mon, 2023-08-07 09:52

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I agree, we often deal in and with stereotypes, yes, it is hard to go against the "norms" of what we are taught as youngsters.
So, we should be careful of the things we say about people to our children. So, don't lump people all together as a race, gender or profession. Be kind and explore your feelings about others, who knows, you may discover things about them and yourself. [I like that you said it was entertaining.] Thank you, that is always my aim, to entertain. ~ Geez.
.

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Candlewitch

Mon, 2023-08-07 10:08

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before I met Steve, I measured all men by the same means, because I'd met so many @ssholes. by the way, he is my third husband. I went for about ten years not giving anyone a chance and slotting them as a one-night-stand. I was going to join the air force when I met him, he talked me out of it...

I like your poem because there is a lot of truth here. it shows how we can become warped by a single incident. (we are 41 years together)

*hugs & love, Cat

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Geezer

Mon, 2023-08-07 11:01

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I can hardly believe that Wendy and I have been together for 43 years come September 16th. Boy, time does fly when you are having fun. Thanks for your read, comments and unflagging support. ~ Geez.
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scribbler

Mon, 2023-08-07 22:59

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Come next year Susan will have put up with me for 50 years lol

Geezer

Tue, 2023-08-08 02:08

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haven't had as much as excitement; pleasure maybe, excitement uh-uh. But it's all good, now I have the exciting memories of sleeping with the dog, in the car and waking up to a cop shining his light in the window or... well, you get the idea. I'll bet the worst she had to put up with was you not coming home when it was dark. [The fish were biting too good.] LoL BTW...
Congratulations!

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