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RETURN TO PARADISE
A dull wet pop
and who could know
such a thing would make life stop
as surely as a bullet's blow?
Then a wavering of everything
and I come awake
to a cool place where wild birds sing
where a spring is there my thirst to slake.
The forest duff is deep and soft
inviting me to stay and sit
while scattered clouds drift by aloft
while in eyes' corners boojums flit.
I breathe in muscadine flavored air
and watch deer play at meadow's edge
along with cardinals over where
the forest fades to privet hedge.
Each time I recall a favorite place
from a long life's memories
this hollow morphs with unhurried grace
to that spot with ever varied breeze.
I find that with unfocused eyes
those flits which are not quite perceived
become, to my mild surprise
forebears whose losses I had grieved.
For a moment there's my brother
a smile a nod and then he's gone
then another corner and there's mother
whose love I could depend upon.
Dad, grandparents, uncles, all
flick for a moment into sight
then are gone before I've time to call
as if something ain't quite right.
The light here mimics dusk and dawn
belying when the world would pause
a hesitation ere time would go on
a near breaking of eternal laws.
I realize I'm seeing paradise;
seeing but not quite within.
All those hints seen just entice
as if I'm out and then back in.
Then a voice says "Not quite his time yet"
in a mere blink paradise lost
I'm back here with a mild regret
that I've not yet paid the cost.
But eyes focus and there is Sue
with shattered look and teary eyes
while doctors do what doctors do
and I find to my surprise
that despite my short prevue
True paradise is Here within her eyes.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
For some reason I'm having a tough time coming up with a title. "Paradise lost" or paradise found" are just a bit over used lol
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Eumolpus
Thu, 2019-01-31 03:05
I like the poem
and the idea of imagining the moment of dying. I dislike the first line, and the last line.
The first line refers to pop, like when my ankle tendon broke this summer while I was doing sports. You feel a pop. That is the expression for for broken tendons and ligaments, because that is what is feels like. a pop. I've never heard of a stoke or heart attack described like that, so in the first line I'm drawn away from the narrative.
In the last line, after awaking still alive, you do awake and introduce the whole point of the poem in the last words, "within HER eyes." Whoever she is, i suppose a wife or lover of course, she is not present in the poem and needs to be if the poem is to be about her...your whole life passes before you with all the trimmings, but she isn't part of it till you wake up in medical care..
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
scribbler
Thu, 2019-01-31 13:40
hi
The pop is the rupturing of a cranial blood vessel hear from the patient's perspective.Is it accurate? reckon you'd have to ask somebody who experienced it and most of them are dead. And, yeah I' heard that pop of tendons and ligaments snapping but those usually are not fatal.
The last line is Meant to complexly change scenes, from the paradise after death to the one which the protagonist left behind. Not really sure that giving a hint of her existence would not decrease the impact of the line. But you have given your comment a lot of thought so I'll do the same in eventual edit.
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2019-02-02 11:33
Hi
Contrary to a lot of folks who think I'm Still brain dead I've never been dead on the table. Good to know I got the transition right. And don't feel bad about crying. My poetry is often so bad that it brings a lot of folks to tears just reading it lol......
author commentlovedly
Thu, 2019-01-31 09:53
I experience it every
title it as
''The Awakening''
scribbler
Thu, 2019-01-31 13:42
Hmmm....
Awakening.......a single awakening? But this describes 2. Maybe awakenings.......good line of thought....stan
author commentscribbler
Thu, 2019-01-31 13:44
Hi Mark
Well the first thought that came to mind was paradise lost.......discarded for obvious reasons lol. Then came paradise regained but I've used that title before. So I'll keep on thinking no matter how rare such a thing is for me.........
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2019-02-02 11:36
Hi
I appreciate the input. I seldom leave a poem untitled and ask for help. And the times I have done so none of the proffered titles were used . BUT, each time a title suggested set the creaky gears to moving and resulting in a very good title lol
author commentgregwa8
Sat, 2019-02-09 02:40
enjoyed the rhythm of the
enjoyed the rhythm of the poem. and the concept of finding paradise in your lover's eyes as satisfying as those that the poet has lost and reunites with for a moment. what about a title like "the corner of our eyes" since you talk about seeing but not seeing fully and the corners of paradise, etc? or "in the corner of my eyes"
scribbler
Sat, 2019-02-09 06:00
Hi Greg
Thanks for dropping by. I appreciate your giving the title some thought and will take your idea into consideration whenever I figure out a title......stan
author commentGeezer
Sat, 2019-02-16 11:26
How about...
Still Here In Paradise? BTW, I love that word boojums! It seems more mystical. ~ Gee.
.
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scribbler
Sat, 2019-02-16 14:41
Hi Gee
alas the boojums keep company with snarks and I can't take credit for either lol. Thanks for dropping by. I'm still not happy with title and will keep your idea in mind......stan
author commentCandlewitch
Sat, 2024-01-13 07:48
hello scribbler,
I am reminded of when an ulcer glommed onto an artery. it ate through it! There was blood everywhere. Luckily it happened at the doctor's office where I was seeing him for a chronic stomach ache. I was rushed to the hospital and died! the docs on duty refused to take death for an answer, so they beat on me until I stopped flying around and settled back into Body Central. somewhere in this process they fixed the artery. I was dead for about 4 minutes.
It is good to see you!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Sun, 2024-01-14 20:33
Hi Cat
thank god for stubborn doctors.The closest I ever came to dying was during a dark time when I was ready to commit suicide
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2024-01-15 12:28
So glad...
that you didn't. I will walk those lonely trails with you as long as you keep writing about them. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.