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REMINDERS IN GOLD
Today's journey took me to farms and fields
and past a five acre pasture
whose dark green was nearly overcome by a weed's yields
wherein grazed no cattle beneath skies azure
eating yellow weeds as well as green.
This brought memories of younger years
and drinking milk with cornbread
when my future was unmarked by fears.
With naught but good dreams sharing my bed.
Before my belly shook like jello.
I recalled how this yellow flower/weed,
tainted the milk with a bitter taste,
yet not as to offset the need
to dump the bucket and thus waste
the labor of old milk cows.
But this pasture held no cattle
nor did a nearby barn and stalls.
No sound of hay wagon's rattle.
No life at all within barn's walls.
All departed long ago.
As do I now with vague regret
for there are things I've yet to do.
Yet knowing that I'll never forget things which I once knew.
Like the taste of milky bitter weed.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2024-04-23 23:41
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "REMINDERS IN GOLD" utilizes vivid imagery and a reflective tone to convey a sense of nostalgia and longing. The poem's strength lies in its ability to paint a picture of the past and evoke emotions related to the passage of time.
However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and consistency.
1. Rhyme and Rhythm: The poem seems to follow an ABAB rhyme scheme in the first stanza, but this pattern is not consistently maintained throughout the poem. This inconsistency can be disorienting for the reader. A more consistent rhyme scheme could enhance the flow and rhythm of the poem.
2. Syntax and Word Choice: In the line "yet knowing that I'll never forgetful the things which I once knew," the word "forgetful" seems to be used incorrectly. It might be more appropriate to use "forget" instead.
3. Punctuation: The poem could benefit from more consistent use of punctuation. For example, the line "and drinking milk with cornbread" could use a comma at the end to separate it from the following line.
4. Imagery: While the poem does a good job of painting a picture of the past, it could benefit from more specific and concrete imagery. For instance, instead of saying "the labor of old milk cows," the poem could describe the specific actions or characteristics of the cows to create a more vivid image.
In conclusion, while the poem effectively conveys a sense of nostalgia, improvements in rhyme scheme consistency, syntax, punctuation, and imagery could enhance its overall impact and readability.
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scribbler
Wed, 2024-04-24 00:09
OK The Rhyme scheme is ABABC, ABABD, etc.
The forgetful thing is a typo.Appreciate the eagle eye.Punctuation.....I'm gonna thank about whether the line needs a comma
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2024-04-24 07:46
good morning my dear Scribbler!
this entry is very imaginative, and to me a little sad. it reminds me of my grandparents farm. After he had passed, she went into a nursing home. Farming was all they ever knew. My uncle took over the farm plus his own. providing work for a couple of local boys. Then my Uncle died in a farming related accident. my aunt had passed a few years before that. This verse reinforces that feeling for me:
But this pasture held no cattle
nor did a nearby barn and stalls.
No sound of hay wagon's rattle.
No life at all within barn's walls.
All departed long ago.
the thing that I love about your poetry is; I can visualize it, making it very real for me!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Wed, 2024-04-24 09:22
Hi Cat
Sorry to have brought back sad memories but thank you for dropping by
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2024-04-24 10:22
As always...
you bring to mind and life, sweet memories, along with the sadness of bygone days. Thank you for the bitter-sweet memories.
~ Geez.
.
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scribbler
Wed, 2024-04-24 14:51
Hi Guy
Did you ever drink fresh milk from a cow which had been eating bitter weed? It has a bit of a bite but the memory of it makes me want a glass full now lol
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2024-04-24 21:19
Fresh milk yes...
from a cow eating bitter weed, no. I suppose that it is like eating caviar, or raw fish, an acquired taste. LoL
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Alex Tanner
Wed, 2024-04-24 17:33
Hello.
I liked this work. Yes it could do with a lot more punctation but certainly not where AI suggested. Alex.
scribbler
Thu, 2024-04-25 08:19
Hi Alex
Appreciate your coming by with input
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