Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Quite the dare

Submitted by Apostolos "Paul... on Sun, 2012-08-12 16:35

Why do you do this to me
Have me lost in nauseating thoughts
Tell me to be strong while you
Take my ladder away

I’m hyperventilating
While you sit and watch
As if I’m a nobel prize
Expirement

Why do I let you so close
I should have sirens going off
With marksmen ready to shoot
Instead I let you in
Like your my new neighbor

You don’t even have the audacity
To give me a reason
Instead you let my weakness
Enslave me

I made promises before
And this one I’m keeping
I will find a way to rid you
You will not win this fight
I’m taking you on
Even with gallons of sweat
And a heart racing
As if my life’s in danger

I wish it was easy to drop you off
At some bus station with a ticket
But no you made me who I am
You taught me how to take on the odds
Even if the only one watching is me

‘you might be me my disorder
But tonight your my motivation
You might have gotten in my way
Still I left them with doubting tounges
So try to stop me I actualy dare you

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Mon, 2012-08-13 08:02

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

a few things paul

‘a nobel prize
Expirement ‘
did you mean the play on the word expire? or is it a typo for experiment?
lol – either way – I like it

can I suggest
‘I should have sirens going off’
‘I should have(set) sirens (wailing)’

‘Like your my new neighbor’ (note typo – you’re) –
‘like' is not a word I personally ‘like’ to use…
is ‘neighbor’ American spelling? I use a ‘u’ (English probably?) –‘ neighbour’
‘(as if you’re) my new neighbor’

‘‘you might be me my disorder’ – is the ‘me’ supposed to be there?

and typos
‘Still I left them with doubting tounges –‘ tongues’
So try to stop me I actualy dare you’ – ‘actually’

a great rant and dare…. love the venom (perhaps the wrong word) and anger, very well presented with the word usage
- 'nauseating thoughts
Tell me to be strong while you
Take my ladder away
... I’m hyperventilating' ....

and the determination
'You taught me how to take on the odds
Even if the only one watching is me'

also, congrats on the position on the ac… I know you will do it justice… thank you. too. for all you have done so far
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Geezer

Mon, 2012-08-13 08:08

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

when you know it's for your own good, it's hard to let go of a project.
I know the terror of facing reality in a relationship, it's not easy.
Just a few things that I saw, you might want to look at.

1] exper[i]ment
2] you're [my motivation]
3] tongues

Nice to see a post from you, hope you keep on working,
~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

the_fool

Mon, 2012-08-13 13:54

the_fool's picture
Volunteer badge

there's a hurried feeling to this piece as if trying to make a point in anger. so, to me, the more little mistakes the better.
that neighbor line, i also try to avoid 'like' as much as 'as if'. i think shortening it to 'a new neighbor' gets the point across just as well.
if anything i'd add more more typos. can't tell you how much i mess up my vocab in the heat of the moment and i feel it here.

magics02

Tue, 2012-08-14 12:40

Sounds like a poem that you want to rid someone somehow.
You got those powers.
Don't let them run away from you.
Running is not good
Facing reality and putting it
On the table is
What it is all about!
Go for the Gold!

Good poem and hope you are doing well. It has been a while since I came to the Neopoet house and nice to see some familiar faces and places:)

Blessings to you
Mona

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-08-15 22:32

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

for your relationship with your own issues, though I can see how others misread it.

Perhaps you could make it more clear near the end by referring to "my inner enemy" or something.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.