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Pearls...

Submitted by Candlewitch on Tue, 2024-08-20 08:16

When the medley
of songs to dance to
ends with applause,
smile and curtsy.

The hungry gallery,
feels the love shining.
Peer into the assembly
for that desired face.

He has been hosted in both
your night and daydreams,
in your waking, he is of mist
leaving you with a gentle kiss.

Come, rise from your bed,
glide out to the veranda
to greet the moon so full
which wears a gossamer gown.

Lift your chin tilting up
to catch the filmy light,
eyes all a glitter in pools
of frosted moonlit bays.

Tonight, giving yourself over
of free will, mind and body,
in greatest bliss, to the stranger,
sealed with a promise on your lips.

Standing alone trembling as prescience
grows with every intake of unconscious breath.
A breeze ruffles, as in the brush, shadows shift,
nervously, you step into the lighted area.

A voice in the darkness, deep, soft and low
just barely reaching your tender ears,
something long and shiny flashes in the night...
"You should not have cast your pearls before swine!"

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Thank You to Geezer, for the punctuation. It is greatly appreciated!
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 08/18/24 to 08/24/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-08-20 14:21

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Pearls" demonstrates a strong command of language and imagery, creating a vivid narrative that engages the reader. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.

The poem's narrative could be clearer. The transition from the protagonist's anticipation to the final line's revelation is abrupt. It may be beneficial to provide more context or foreshadowing to make the narrative progression smoother.

The use of punctuation is inconsistent. For instance, some lines end with a comma, while others do not. Consistent punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem and clarify the intended rhythm and pauses.

The phrase "feel the love shinning" appears to contain a typo. If "shinning" is intended to be "shining," correcting this typo will improve the poem's clarity.

The line "He has been hosted in both your night and daydreams" is somewhat ambiguous. If the intention is to convey that the protagonist dreams of this person during both day and night, rephrasing for clarity could be beneficial.

The phrase "sealed with a promise on your lips" is a strong image, but it's unclear what the promise is. Providing more detail here could enhance the emotional impact of the poem.

The final line, "You should not have cast your pearls before swine," is a powerful conclusion, but it may benefit from more build-up or context earlier in the poem. As it stands, the reader may be left confused by the sudden shift in tone.

In terms of structure, the poem could benefit from more consistent line lengths. The varied line lengths can disrupt the poem's rhythm and make it more difficult to read.

Overall, the poem has a strong foundation and with some refinement, it can be even more engaging and impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Leslie

Tue, 2024-08-20 08:23

Leslie's picture

What a beautiful poem but god that hurts! They keep getting better all the time.

All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-08-20 10:42

Candlewitch's picture
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thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate you!

ever eddy styx

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author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2024-08-21 01:06

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Just a few things that I see here, to tweak.
A spelling error, [shinning] should be shining.
The line "who wears a gossamer gown" sounds better as:
[which wears a gossamer gown].

Punctuation:
Period after smile and curtesy.
Capitalize - [Lift] your chin...
Period after gossamer gown.
Comma after [filmy light],
Capitalize - Tonight...
Lower-case for "of free will...
Comma after - stranger,
Capitalize - [Standing].
Comma after - [breath],
Comma after - [brush]
Capitalize - [A] voice...

Either make punctuation and cap changes or go without punctuation at all.

I think I understand the theme, the rhythm is good, and I thought that the connection between beginning and end was good.
~ Geez.
.

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Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-08-21 06:32

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I see you have put a lot of energy into the critiquing of my poem and I agree with the changes. thanks again! I will incorporate each and every one of them. I appreciate the work you put into this.

*hugs, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2024-08-21 09:54

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what you were trying to accomplish and wanted to help. I know that you appreciate whatever work I put into helping you make the best of your pieces, which is why I put so in so much effort. As always, use what you want and throw out what you don't. I never expect anyone to use the exact words, punctuation, or all of what I give them. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-08-21 11:51

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I just hope I got them right. Thank Yo again ;)

*hugs, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2024-08-22 10:02

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[shiny], you are one hundred percent right! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Rula

Fri, 2024-08-23 10:25

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sorry I've been late for this. To be honest I read this a couple of times and felt there is much abstractness to it than your usual. Could be only me?
I would really appreciate any hint here.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

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Candlewitch

Fri, 2024-08-23 11:27

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I forgot to state this is an eddy styx poem. the flashing in the night is his blade taking to soft flesh. Is there anything else I can clear up for you? I appreciate your comments and I always will answer your questions, if I can.

ever, eddy styx

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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