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Happy Hour (by: eddy styx) warning (reworked)
All of his life,
he felt the urges
building inside
a deep stirring
until it broke loose
overcoming him...
time for another kill.
Soft, freshly perfumed meat,
to whet his appetite...
Lonely, she sat
at the end of the bar
listening to the music
from the old jukebox,
it was primed with quarters.
Her special song played;
Bruce Springsteen's
"I'm On Fire"
she swayed
singing along
to the music.
on her bar stool
her pheromones wafted
through the cooling breeze
from the open doors...
He spied her glass
nearing empty.
Quiet exchange
with the Bar Keep
sent her One
with compliments!
casting him her
smile in exchange
it was the currency
of the night.
in return
he slipped into
the empty seat
beside her...
A few more drinks
she was purring like
a contented fat kitten.
they closed the tavern down
out lasting the town drunk.
on leaving,
he took her arm
insisting on
walking her home.
She smiled up at him
seeing her face
reflected in his eyes...
too late, she saw the blade
that was to kissed her throat.
The last image she saw
was a flash of perfect
white teeth in a gash of smile.
Her blood flowed
like a river of rubies
in which he fervently
freely bathed!
*
Style / type:
Free verse
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This Poem is Free Verse!
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2024-08-17 14:30
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Happy Hour" is a narrative piece with a dark, suspenseful tone. It effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a shocking conclusion. The use of imagery and metaphor is strong, particularly in the lines "Her blood flowed like a river of rubies in which he fervently freely bathed!" which vividly conveys the gruesome ending.
However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of poetic devices. For instance, the use of simile and metaphor is strong in some places but absent in others. The line "he felt the urges it was time for a kill" could be enhanced with a metaphor or simile to make the predator's urge more vivid and tangible.
The structure of the poem could also be improved. The lines and stanzas are inconsistent in length, which can disrupt the rhythm and flow of the poem. A more consistent structure could enhance the overall reading experience.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more show and less tell. For example, instead of saying "he felt the urges it was time for a kill," show this through his actions or thoughts. This could make the character's motivations and emotions more vivid and engaging for the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Leslie
Sat, 2024-08-17 17:25
Cat
Oh my God! what a vivid, detailed and intense narrative. How do you manage such creativity. Your poetry just keeps getting better and better!
All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!
Candlewitch
Mon, 2024-08-19 06:25
hello Leslie,
I am Cat's male, murderous alter ego who writes what she cannot. She does not even admit to having such thoughts... It is very nice to meet you. I have been reading your poetry for quite a while now. I find it most intriguing. Thank you for reading and commenting.
ever, eddy styx
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
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