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Our Family Feud...

Submitted by Geezer on Thu, 2024-02-15 09:13

What's the answer to the question?
When can I be heard?
Things seem to be all wrong
Can you give me another word?

What does it look like from here?
The others might win through a steal
Who can you really trust?
I just don't know how to feel

Talking shit about each other
Jealousy rears its' ugly head
You cannot ever escape
Not even when you are dead

Blood is thicker than water
But not so much as alcohol
Be careful of what you say
The others are building a wall

Best if you say little or nothing
Let them think what they may
Family feuds just ain't worth it
So, be careful of what you say

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
02/24 Family Feud
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-02-15 15:13

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem presents a clear narrative and effectively uses rhetorical questions to engage the reader. However, the theme of family feud could be more deeply explored. The metaphors, such as "The others are building a wall" and "Blood is thicker than water but not so much as alcohol," are intriguing but could be further developed to create a more vivid image in the reader's mind.

The poem could also benefit from more varied sentence structure. Many lines start with "What" or "You," which can make the poem feel repetitive. Experimenting with different sentence structures could make the poem more engaging and dynamic.

The line "Jealousy rears its' ugly head" uses an apostrophe incorrectly. The correct phrase should be "its ugly head," as "its" is a possessive pronoun, not a contraction.

Lastly, the poem's rhythm and meter could be more consistent. Some lines have more syllables than others, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Paying attention to the rhythm and meter could improve the poem's musicality and make it more enjoyable to read.

The poem's message about the dangers of family feuds and the importance of careful communication is clear and effectively conveyed. However, the poem could be improved by further developing its metaphors, varying its sentence structure, correcting grammatical errors, and paying more attention to rhythm and meter.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-02-15 11:07

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I have a few suggestions:

In the second set, third line: "Whichever one can be true?" you could use: (Which one can you trust?) or (Who can you trust?)
In the third set, line two: "Jealous rears its' ugly head" maybe( jealousy) unless it messes up your meter.
you have : "Be careful what you say" twice. Did you mean to repeat?

I liked your poem. it reminded of the day that I discovered taking my voice out of the argument caused a real shift in the tide, as I removed the fuel!

*hugs and love, Cat

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Geezer

Thu, 2024-02-15 11:44

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to see what you are talking about. Hmmm... I guess I can use the old, "I should have, could have and would have" here?
Okay, I went and checked and found those parts and maybe another. Am I all fixed up now? LoL Love when you are on solid ground, you get right to the point. Thanks! ~ Geez.
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author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-02-15 12:07

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You are all fixed-up now! the poem reads much more smoothly now. It is an excellent entry for the contest!

*hugs and love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Thu, 2024-02-15 12:12

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Glad to see that you are on the job. LoL ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-02-15 12:28

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But I will never be as good as you!

*love, Cat and Company

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Thu, 2024-02-15 18:14

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I think I know this family and you are right...sometimes it is better to just leave it alone! Good write!

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Fri, 2024-02-16 17:50

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not to get involved. I try very hard not to get involved. Thanks for your read and comment. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Lavender

Fri, 2024-02-16 09:22

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Hello, Geezer,
I can feel the deep bitterness in this, and the weariness of it all. Well done.
L

Geezer

Fri, 2024-02-16 18:28

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now that my mother has passed, there are no excuses like the holidays or her birthday to come together; so, it's open warfare.
No need to be nice in her presence, no reason to get together. I'm done with it all. Thanks for the read and comments. Nice to know that I've gotten the bitterness and weariness to show through. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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