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Our Family Feud
When we were young,
lines had been drawn.
Less a friendly battle
than an all-out war.
It was always them
against us...
me (little Honey-Girl)
and our Dad, against
mom-Norma, Kathryn and Coral,
with black cowboy hats.
Blazing guns drawn
from toy holsters.
Something changed;
shifted...
When She hit him
with a frying pan,
I could see in Her eyes
the hate and anger growing.
I think he saw it too...
I saw the pain in his eyes
That is why he arrived
later and later each night,
until he came back not at all...
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2024-02-04 18:50
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Our Family Feud" presents a narrative that is both personal and emotionally charged. It uses a metaphorical language to depict a family conflict, which is a common theme in poetry. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.
1. Consistency in Capitalization: The poem inconsistently capitalizes words like 'She', 'Her', and 'Honey-Girl'. While this can be a stylistic choice, it can also create confusion for the reader. If the capitalization is intended to emphasize certain characters or aspects, it would be beneficial to maintain this throughout the poem to avoid ambiguity.
2. Use of Imagery: The use of imagery in the poem, such as 'black cowboy hats' and 'blazing guns drawn from toy holsters', is effective in setting the scene and tone. However, the transition from this playful imagery to the serious tone of the latter part of the poem is abrupt. It may be beneficial to gradually shift the tone to better prepare the reader for the emotional turn.
3. Clarity of Narrative: The narrative could be clearer. The poem jumps from a playful family feud to a serious conflict without much explanation. Providing more context or details about the transition could help the reader better understand the progression of events.
4. Poetic Devices: The poem could benefit from the use of more poetic devices, such as similes, metaphors, or personification. These can enhance the emotional resonance of the poem and make it more engaging for the reader.
5. Emotional Depth: The poem touches on deep emotions, but it could delve deeper into these feelings. Exploring the emotions of the characters more thoroughly could add depth to the poem and make it more impactful.
Overall, the poem has a strong narrative and emotional core, but could benefit from more consistent capitalization, clearer narrative progression, the use of more poetic devices, and a deeper exploration of emotions.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Sun, 2024-02-04 12:57
Yes...
I see it. I've seen those families, those so divided over nothings, and never to reconcile until death do them part. Then they will cry crocodile tears and chew you up the minute you turn your back. You have depicted it well, Nicely done! ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Sun, 2024-02-04 13:03
Dear Geezer,
Thank you...I added another line...
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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Geezer
Sun, 2024-02-04 13:15
Yes...
I felt the same way. I wished for my childhood hero, or even anyone to come and beat my father up for the stuff he did.
I wished my guns were real. ~ Love, me and the boys, Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Sun, 2024-02-04 13:24
real guns,
When it got later in the evening, I would run and hide Norma's gun (for protecting her and us kids) I was so little! I am so very sorry about your father...
* hugs and love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
MermaidMaster
Sun, 2024-02-04 13:25
cat-
cat-
this is such a clever and well written poem about a sensitive subject. You handled the topic so well, thank you for sharing!
<3
Candlewitch
Sun, 2024-02-04 13:56
Dear MermaidMaster,
Thank you for your kindness.
every kindness that you do, may it come back to you three fold!
*Hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Lavender
Sun, 2024-02-04 13:46
Our Family Feud
Hello, Cat,
Everything in this poem builds up to that compelling final line. So sorry your childhood was like this.
Well done.
L
Candlewitch
Sun, 2024-02-04 14:01
Dear Lavender,
thank you. I am not angry with Her anymore, even though she drove him away. and proceeded to torture me because of my love for my daddy. she was a very sick woman. Poisoned by hate and rage. thanks for your kindness.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
RoseBlack
Sun, 2024-02-04 21:04
A house divided
I am experiencing division in my own house at the moment and this poem spoke volumes. The toxicity and lasting effects are forever. I am sorry your childhood was so difficult. You are an amazing person and a strong woman. Well done
~RoseBlack~
Candlewitch
Mon, 2024-02-05 06:25
Dear Carrie,
If i m strong, it is because of my dad's influence. thank you for a wonderful comment!
*hugs, Cat
* do not forget me, the buffer who protects against home invasion, lol, eddy styx
*
When someone reads your work
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Unca Fez
Sun, 2024-02-04 21:35
What Amazed Me...
What amazed me about this family, was that Cat turned out to be the only sane one. I remember one phone conversation between Norma and Cat. I was on the other phone. Somehow the talk turned to Cat's brother-in-law and his abuse of her. When Norma realized that I was listening, she tried to backpedal all that she said. It was obvious that she knew what she had done was wrong and was now trying to cover it up. Kathryn and Coral were a part of the cover up. I'm glad that Cat survived, relatively intact.
Thanx,
Steve
Ruby Lord
Mon, 2024-02-05 05:49
Hi Cat, this is alarming and
Hi Cat, this is alarming and yet, you told your story so well, but OMG, that sad last line, impressive.
I enjoy narrative pieces, they give the reader an opportunity to try the poets skin on and experience a different life in all its gory detail.
Your poem was one that touched me. Like so many others who had a parent so wrapped up in themselves, they failed at being a parent. Well done with your exceptional poem. Take care and stay safe, Ruby :) xxx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Candlewitch
Mon, 2024-02-05 06:35
Dear Ruby,
Thank you for reading and commenting on my poem. It is odd that you should mention the last line... my heart went thud when I wrote it. I feel that this poem needs polish. I shall work on it .
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Clentin
Mon, 2024-02-05 09:33
Good poem Cat. I especially
Good poem Cat. I especially saw a great deal of depth in the last stanza
think he saw it too...
That is why he arrived
later and later each night.
until he came back not at all...
Candlewitch
Mon, 2024-02-05 18:00
Dear Clentin,
Yes, she drove him away with her craziness and hostility. I felt broken. Finally a judge settled the mess... thank you for reading and telling me your thoughts.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
William Lynn
Sat, 2024-02-17 10:50
Hi Cat.
Hi Cat.
I've been away for a little bit and didn't see this poem. WOW! I truly feel the pain and anguish you write about. While I hope it was not from personal experience, I suspect it was, and for that I am so sorry.
From my 38 years of law enforcement, I've seen it all too many times but the thing that pisses me off the most is domestic and child abuse, which too often go hand in hand.
Sad poem but so well done! Thanks for sharing. - Will
Candlewitch
Sat, 2024-02-17 15:57
Dear Will,
Yes I was the little girl in the poem. I sided with my daddy and it changed my life. I learned strength and Courage and Loyalty. I was just dumb enough to not realize all I had to do is take my voice out of the battle... I guess I tripped over my Love for daddy.
thank you for reading my poem and commenting. you are very observant and kind.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
kowque
Mon, 2024-03-04 20:07
That last line
Is Haunting. There are alot of layers to this piece. I'm going to have to read it a few times.
Koki
Candlewitch
Tue, 2024-03-05 07:12
Dear Koki,
Thank you for reading my poem and commenting. I am glad that you found it so interesting. again, thank you!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Tue, 2024-03-05 13:27
Hi Cat
Sometimes the toxicity of a family member is so great the only solution is to cut them off. Now that last line which has been mentioned by others. If you are looking to add impact one way to do it is to isolate it from the rest of the poem by using a line space.Sometimes writing has as much to do with what Isn't there as what is.
Candlewitch
Wed, 2024-03-06 08:24
Dear Scribbler,
thank you for the tip. I will consider using it here.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Mary Beth Magee
Fri, 2024-03-29 13:24
Powerful stuff
You've said it so well. Like so many other commenters, I can identify with this verse. Family dynamics can get ugly. We are so blessed to have the medium of poetry to help us try to make sense of it and to survive it, aren't we? Glad you made it, fellow survivor!
Thank you,
Mary Beth
Because your words have touched my heart,
I stopped to share a little part.
Be nice, supportive, kind to all
As we walk through this Poetry Hall.
Candlewitch
Fri, 2024-03-29 18:03
Dear Mary Beth,
thank you for the comment on this poem. I enjoy knowing that I have touched someone with my poetry. travel safely and in good company through this life!
*major hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.