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Once Upon A Time
Once upon a time, when men were gods
Their annoyance was like thunderstorm
There was hen-night but not for the gods
They’re the liege thread-worms in her heart
And pedantically keen on the archaic art to give her anaesthetic dose.
They’re known for punishing offenders
Without rewarding obedience
And cared not for her progress
They killed, maimed and impoverished her
Without rewarding her devotions
She offered fowls, goats, and rams
But gave her nothing
Except the power to undo her fellow.
When men were gods
She was abducted and forced into marital slavery
Many were divorced, dejected and killed
And remained calm outwardly despite being gradually eaten up inwardly
Just as an easy prey accepts its role.
Oh, if I were a woman
Must I be a slave or property?
Or not having a mind of my own?
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When men were gods poetry reflects the hardship women undergone in precolonial and colonial period.
Women were known as powerless beings and they were nowhere to be found.
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Osun
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2023-07-07 22:40
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Once Upon A Time" seems to explore themes of gender inequality, oppression, and the societal roles imposed on women. It uses vivid imagery and metaphors to convey these ideas, which can be effective in engaging the reader's emotions. However, there are some areas that could be improved for clarity and coherence.
1. Consistency in Metaphors: The poem uses various metaphors, such as "liege thread-worms" and "marital slavery". While these can be powerful tools in poetry, it's important to ensure they are consistent and contribute to the overall theme. The metaphor of "liege thread-worms" is somewhat unclear and may confuse readers.
2. Structure and Flow: The poem seems to lack a consistent rhythm or rhyme scheme. This can make it feel disjointed and harder to follow. Experimenting with different structures could help improve the flow and readability of the poem.
3. Use of Language: The poem uses some archaic language, such as "liege" and "pedantically". While this can add a certain tone or style to the poem, it can also make it less accessible to some readers. Consider whether these word choices are necessary for the poem's message, or if there are more contemporary alternatives that could be used.
4. Clear Message: The poem's message about gender inequality and oppression is powerful, but it could be made clearer. The final lines, for example, seem to shift to a first-person perspective, which is a departure from the rest of the poem. This shift is a bit jarring and could potentially confuse readers. Consider revising these lines to maintain a consistent perspective throughout the poem.
Overall, the poem has potential and tackles an important theme. With some revisions for clarity, consistency, and structure, it could be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Wed, 2023-07-12 15:20
Once Upon A Time
A jarring, unsettling poem, which I believe is its intent. Very strong imagery and language. I am especially moved by "Their annoyance was like thunderstorm."
Thank you,
Lavender
RoseBlack
Sun, 2023-07-30 20:18
Very unsettling
But powerful and well written. I can't imagine feeling that way as a woman. Well done.
~RoseBlack~