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OLD EYES
I went to the store today
and ran into an older fellow
he said hi and I said hey
his voice was low and very mellow
As I held the door open
our eyes met for the shortest time
then slid off, as do most men
( as if connecting were a crime)
He shuffled off, I went on by
in a rush as seems my way
to buy some chicken I could fry
( you know, his eyes were almost gray)
I got my stuff and headed home
that old man's eyes still on my mind
what had they seen in his long tome
had his fate been cruel or mostly kind?
If mid-Depression was his birth
was he a town or country kid?
Did his family cope by using mirth?
Was childhood home put up for bid?
I wondered did he ever marry?
Did war require he leave his wife?
How many buddies did he bury?
How often did me take a life?
His eyes held no hint of cruelty,
those faded orbs, wrinkle surrounded.
Did he serve in army or at sea
when bullets flew and mortars pounded?
Yet those eyes still held a glint
with a touch of love and humor
and even more than just a hint
of enjoying a good rumor.
I still wonder what those eyes had seen
what sights had shaped that frail old guy;
how many people had he been
and why is it I wonder why?
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Sun, 2012-08-12 02:42
hi stan
imho this is a perfect example of how important form is to a write
I seriously think that this would be really powerful if written in free form … metered rhythm and, especially, regular rhyme makes the write bounce and belies the sombre timber of the words
- lol – of course you know this is only my opinion
an older fellow
I chanced upon
today at the store
he said hi and I said hey
as I held the door open
our eyes met for the shortest time
then each slid away
in the habit of men
( as if were a crime to connect)
….
i love the theme, and the imagery, but the structured form spoils it for me...
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Sun, 2012-08-12 11:40
Hi Judy
Maybe it's a perfect example of a poem which could be improved by a less obtrusive RHYME PATTERN lol. I think I might well post this with another pattern then in free verse form also. Heck I might even attempt that elusive hybrid form which I think is the direction poetry is heading. thanks for the read and comment.........stan BTW did you catch the protagonist laughing at himself at the end?
author commentscribbler
Sun, 2012-08-12 16:47
Hi Lonnie
Typos are the albatross around my neck lol. Thanks for coming by and I'll get those typos on edit................stan
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2012-08-13 08:42
i will be...
very interested to see the other versions of this. The title was in keeping with the content. Your language use was such that, I felt you were narrating it to me, not something I were reading. I felt that the meter was off a little in a couple of places because the lines were a tad long, but I enjoyed the theme. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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scribbler
Mon, 2012-08-13 09:54
Hi Gee
Nothing like a bit of a teaser in a reply lol. Probably be a few days before I get alternates done. I'm glad you liked this and I'll look into those longish lines...............stan
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