Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Nikita, Little Star

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Tue, 2023-04-18 12:35

You burnt too briefly, little star,
shooting from a land so far.
Like a breath of spring you came;
Nikita was your lovely name.

And gentle child, we loved you so;
it broke our hearts to let you go.
And on the day you sadly slept,
so many bitter tears we wept.

Your small, sweet soul, without a sound,
sailed silently, for heaven bound,
where sinless souls of babies dream
and little stars do glow and gleam.

Pretending, as if hearts don't break;
we lived, but questioned why they’d take
our angel, beautiful at birth;
your beauty would have blessed the earth!

We asked, if you had lived and learned
and like a supernova burned;
if God had said, “on earth remain.”
(such musings, now, we know are vain)

because your ties, with earth, were slight.
For you were heaven’s dear delight!
And when your angel wings did grow,
you went where holy angels go!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I was asked to pen a few lines for a friend's granddaughter, she was still-born. I came up with these poor rhymes and he (the grandfather) framed it for the baby's parents.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-04-18 12:35

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Nikita, Little Star" explores the grief and heartbreak of losing a child, specifically a little girl named Nikita. The language is simple and straightforward, with a focus on the emotions of the speaker and their attempt to find comfort in the idea that Nikita is now in heaven. The use of the metaphor of a star burning brightly but briefly is effective in conveying the idea of a life cut short. The repetition of the word "little" emphasizes the childlike innocence and vulnerability of Nikita. The poem's tone is mournful but ultimately hopeful, with the speaker finding solace in the belief that their child is now in a better place.

One line edit suggestion: "Your small, sweet soul, without a sound" could be revised to "Your small, sweet soul, now unbound" to enhance the metaphor of Nikita's soul ascending to heaven.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Alex Tanner

Tue, 2023-04-18 18:03

Alex Tanner's picture

Hello. This I can relate to having suffered a similar loss many years ago. We get on with life but the heartache is always there.
I also wrote words, that I hoped may bring some comfort. You may care to read 'Sophie's Legacy' and know you are not alone in grief. Alex

Blue-eyed Bolla

Wed, 2023-04-19 02:43

Blue-eyed Bolla's picture

Many thanks, Alex. I will check out Sophie's Legacy.

KBloor

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2023-04-19 09:29

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

to be extremely poignant and think it a beautiful piece to honor the little angel. I agree that the line should say [now unbound].
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.