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My Dependency

Submitted by Mr joghe on Fri, 2023-07-21 03:55

My city is cold and the wind is big
The thatch and trees blow off their leaves
As the blooming flowers taste the splendour of the earth.
I have kissed the river with pleasure,
Its beauty which I treasure
Having a good night sleep in the forest
When darkness is humming happily along with the croak of my throat
I have hugged the mountains if I would never do
I have bowed and prayed as if I was a saint
And extended my loving hand when I cared.
I have cared for the tree for its shade
Under which I take a refuge
Not only a comfort zone for me alone
During the dry season of the year.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

Reference to my dependency on nature when I become adult. I decide what to do or where to go. For more clarification, from line 1-3 of the poem reflect climate condition of the poet environment. The line 4 of the poem points to the struggle of the poet. He drank water of a beautiful river which he adorned. Also slept in the forest when he was searching for way to survive. He hugged the mountain when he was confused to move in a direct (he prayed to God for directions as if he was a saint) ... Poem is deeper than a mere word.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoem Of The Week July 16 to July 22nd 2023

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-07-21 10:00

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "My Independence" presents an engaging exploration of the speaker's relationship with nature. However, there are several areas where the poem could be improved for clarity and impact.

1. Consistency in Imagery: The poem begins with a vivid image of a cold city and a strong wind, but this initial setting is not consistently maintained throughout the poem. The subsequent lines move through different natural settings (river, forest, mountains), which can be disorienting for the reader. A more consistent setting or a smoother transition between different settings could strengthen the coherence of the poem.

2. Metaphoric Use: The poem uses metaphorical language ("kissed the river", "hugged the mountains"), which can be effective in conveying the speaker's emotional connection to nature. However, these metaphors could be developed further to provide deeper insight into the speaker's feelings and experiences. For instance, what does it mean to the speaker to "kiss" a river or "hug" a mountain?

3. Structure and Rhythm: The poem lacks a consistent rhythm or rhyme scheme, which can make it feel disjointed. Implementing a more consistent structure could enhance the flow of the poem and make it more engaging to read.

4. Theme Development: The title "My Independence" suggests a theme of independence, but this theme is not clearly developed in the poem. The speaker's actions (kissing the river, hugging the mountains, caring for the tree) suggest a dependence on nature rather than independence. Clarifying the intended theme and ensuring that the content of the poem aligns with this theme could enhance the overall impact of the poem.

5. Use of Language: Some phrases in the poem are unclear or awkwardly worded ("the wind is big", "the croak of my throat"). Revising these phrases for clarity and precision could improve the overall quality of the poem.

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Mr joghe

Fri, 2023-07-21 13:28