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My Daughter
Stand up from the crust:
O my daughter! Forbid a stranger's thrust
An ally that called himself our father,
Under his wings we wither
For they will be filled with laughter;
You should remember that they are strung together:
Like pearls,
And each one leads
To the next: the second doesn't stand alone
It grew out of the first that precedes its phone,
We're marching to Zion with a throbbing beat
Beautiful, beautiful Zion's heart,
We're marching upward to Zion's gate.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Osun
Favorite Poets
William Wordsworth, Niyi Osundare, Wole Soyinka, J.P Clack
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Comments
Race_9togo
Fri, 2022-05-20 16:46
Hello.
What did you think of my title? I like the title, although its a bit over-used.
How was my language use? Generally good, although I see a lot of incorrect punctuation, and some grammer that makes no sense, like:
"Under his wings we flatter:
For they will be filled with laughter;
You should remember that they are strung together:
Like a pearls,"
"flatter" makes no sense, The colon : is unnecessary, and "Like a Pearls is bad grammer.
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing? The rhythym and flow are generally good. They would improve quite a bit if the grammer was better.
How does this theme appeal to you? It appeals to me a lot.
How was the beginning/ending of the poem? They are okay. The ending lines are much better than the beginning.
Is the internal logic consistent? Yes, it is.
Hope this helps.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Mr joghe
Fri, 2022-05-20 20:37
I like the comment.
I like the comment.
Thank you.
"Words are currency of ideas and have the power to change world. Ride your pen on the rough road."
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