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Meeting Grim, the Reaper...
I was standing in a corner
draining the vein, you see
When out from the wall, stepping slowly
came a man of pure ebony
Plain and black and not there, but he was...
I saw him you see, was I dead?
His eyes were a blank, didn't see me
but the emptiness filled me with dread
The man sleeping under the plastic
moaned low, and Reaper touched lightly
He lost the race, another day of life
The man gasped just once, so slightly...
As he stepped back to where he appeared from
through the wall, as whence he came
Grim's red limned eyes did seek me
and I thought I heard my name
So, now I step a little more careful
I'm watching the path that I tread
Sit facing the door, back to the wall
Many times, I would have been dead
And Grim, the Reaper waits calmly
he's got the patience of dirt
He knows my spirit is willing
but the body is weak and so hurt
Try to run one last time, he'll catch you
the sidewalk will be just too far
Grim will drive up in his big Cadillac
And flatten your ass with his car
Remember, back to the wall
don't let your guard down tonight
Look before crossing the street
Grim's got you dead in his sights
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
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Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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New York State - USA
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Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2023-09-16 07:30
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Meeting Grim, the Reaper..." presents a vivid narrative with a clear theme of mortality and the inevitability of death. The use of language and imagery is effective in creating a somber and eerie atmosphere. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.
1. Consistency in Tone: The poem starts with a serious and somber tone, but towards the end, it introduces a more casual and humorous tone with phrases like "flatten your ass with his car". This sudden shift can be jarring and disrupt the overall mood of the poem. It would be beneficial to maintain a consistent tone throughout.
2. Rhyme Scheme: The poem seems to follow an ABAB rhyme scheme, but there are instances where this pattern is not maintained. For instance, in the stanza beginning with "And Grim, the Reaper, waits calmly", the last two lines do not rhyme. Consistency in the rhyme scheme can enhance the rhythm and flow of the poem.
3. Clarity: Some lines could be made clearer to improve understanding. For instance, "draining the vein, you see" is a bit ambiguous and could be made more explicit. Similarly, the reference to "old Rover" in the last line is unclear. If it's a metaphor or symbol, it would be helpful to provide more context to understand its significance.
4. Punctuation: The poem lacks consistent punctuation, which can make it difficult to follow. Adding appropriate punctuation can improve readability and help convey the intended pauses and emphasis.
5. Imagery: The poem uses strong imagery, such as "a man of pure ebony" and "ruby red eyes", which effectively contribute to the eerie atmosphere. However, the imagery could be further developed and used more consistently throughout the poem to enhance the overall impact.
Overall, the poem has a compelling theme and narrative, but could benefit from more consistency in tone, rhyme scheme, and imagery, as well as improved clarity and punctuation.
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Ruby Lord
Sat, 2023-09-16 05:33
Hi Geezer, I liked your poem,
Hi Geezer, I liked your poem, it was an interesting read. Your metaphors and imagery were as always brilliant. But I think the meter is a bit off and the rhyme scheme needs tidying up? There is one area were I think you could improve it further:
As he stepped back to where he came from
through the wall as whence he came
The repetition, use of the word came, doesn't work here and you've wasted space telling us the same thing?
It has a lot of promise, I enjoyed reading it, and this is only my opinion. Ruby :)
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Geezer
Sat, 2023-09-16 12:50
I think...
I took care of it. The rhyme scheme is a bit better now, and I think if you pay a little attention to the punctuation, you will see the accent is just about right. As always, I enjoy your critique and comments. ~ Geez.
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