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Love and Grief

The tears stream down his face
Puddles form.
His eyes are red and swollen
from yet another sleepless night.
He is overwhelmed,
Grief struck…
Desperate to turn back the clocks.
One more day,
One more conversation,
One more touch,
One more anything.

Quiet sobs,
Shaky breaths.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I'm going to add more to this later, probably. Rough draft. Constructive criticism is appreciated for the beginning stages of this one.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I am a morbid, evil person, but I like your set up for more.
If in fact, you do add to it,
you might make it a two or three part piece.
You could start from the day before,
or weeks before, leading up to his/her death.
This style lends itself well to storytelling.

You might have a soliloquy from both Death and Grief!

~ Geezer.
.

Writing purely for oneself, is the ultimate in defensive posture.

That's a great idea. I had written this a couple weeks ago but I was unsure about where to go with it and I knew it wasn't enough to post on it's own. Sometimes you just need a little push in the right direction. Thanks for the feedback, Geezer!!

author comment

I enjoy a good story! Some people do very well in telling long, drawn out stories, some don't. I try to keep mine a medium
length, so that people don't get bored. [I get bored, and it shows], consequently the story suffers. I do write rather long single session poems sometimes, and I am never sure if the audience gets bored until I see the results. Fortunately, most of them go over well. Try writing a two-part poem and see how it goes. It may be that you have the knack to do more than two but try two parts at first. ~ Geezer.
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Writing purely for oneself, is the ultimate in defensive posture.

I often write short stories and I am even starting to write a book. Writing about things in length are not a struggle for me but somehow my poetry suffers when it comes to both story telling and length. I've written two part poems before but they are in draft right now as well. I'll try my hand at finishing this one in more than one part and then pull the other ones out of draft. Maybe you're right, I might have a knack for it.

author comment

Two thumbs up! ~ Geezer.
.

Writing purely for oneself, is the ultimate in defensive posture.

Hello, Kristen,
I definitely feel the grief forming here. If this is still in the blossoming phase, I'd like to read more about the "Love" portion of the title, the appreciation for love.
Thank you!
L

I can definitely add more love! This was something I wrote a couple weeks ago and I just needed some direction. You and Geezer have definitely helped with that! Thanks for the feedback!

author comment

I look forward to reading more!
L

I love the poem. it is both beautiful and showcases sorrow. just one minor thing...

His eyes were red and swollen

His eyes ARE red and swollen (without the caps, lol) to stay in keeping with the tense.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I don't know how I didn't catch that! Thank you! :)

author comment

no problem, and you are very welcome :)

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

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