Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Lost depths

Submitted by Mini on Thu, 2024-07-18 07:56

I was swimming in the ocean,
Even then, your azure eyes
Suddenly take over my mind
They become the ethereal abyss
I'm immersed in,
And I find myself lost
In the depths of the aegean
Not knowing where I am
But I still swim and swim
Searching that angelic hue

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 07/14/24 to 07/20/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-07-18 14:00

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Lost Depths" presents a vivid and emotional exploration of the speaker's feelings towards another person, symbolized by the metaphor of the ocean. The repetition of the word "ocean" throughout the poem effectively reinforces this metaphor and the overwhelming nature of these feelings.

However, the poem could benefit from a more varied vocabulary. The repeated use of the word "swim" and "ocean" may risk sounding redundant. Consider exploring synonyms or other metaphors to diversify your language and add depth to your imagery.

The final line introduces a new element, "angelic hue", which seems to symbolize a specific aspect or quality of the person the speaker is drawn to. This is a compelling addition, but it might be more impactful if it is developed further in the poem. Providing more context or details about this "angelic hue" could help to deepen the reader's understanding of the speaker's attraction and emotional journey.

Finally, the poem's structure is relatively straightforward, with a consistent rhythm and no apparent use of enjambment or other poetic devices. Experimenting with these elements could add another layer of complexity to the poem and enhance its overall impact.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Triskelion

Thu, 2024-07-18 09:23

Hi mini...

...I don't usually comment on free verse pieces, but I find the repeated use of "ocean" detracting to the sentiment. If you can find a workaround, I think it would read better. I would also drop the word "for" in the last line. I like the use of "hue" especially.

Good luck
Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Mini

Thu, 2024-07-18 14:31

Hi! Thank you I see it now I

Hi! Thank you I see it now I'll try to fix it!!

Manja

author comment

Rula

Thu, 2024-07-18 10:35

Hey Mini...

I'm a fan of short crisp poetry, but you have to be careful with words you choose. I think sir Thomas gave a very good feedback here.
Looking forward to seeing your edits
Thank you for sharing dear

❤❤❤❤❤❤