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Those memories

Submitted by Mini on Tue, 2024-07-23 12:47

Forgetting it all
Would be daunting
Thinking of you oblivating
All those memories
That are deeply interwoven
With all the parts of my soul and being
Clinging to me like an eerie shadow
That will never escape me
Would slowly steal
The last beat
Of my enchanted heart

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 07/21/24 to 07/27/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-07-23 18:50

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Those Memories" demonstrates a strong grasp of emotive language and the use of metaphor. However, there are areas where clarity and structure could be improved.

1. The phrase "Thinking of you oblivating" seems to be a key point in the poem, but the word "oblivating" is not recognized in the English language. If the intention was to use "obliterating", it would provide a clearer meaning.

2. The poem could benefit from more consistent punctuation. For example, the line "Would slowly steal" might be more impactful if followed by a colon or dash to emphasize the dramatic conclusion of "The last beat / Of my enchanted heart".

3. The use of the metaphor "Clinging to me like an eerie shadow" is effective in conveying a sense of haunting or unescapable past. However, the subsequent line "That will never escape me" seems redundant as the concept of inescapability has already been conveyed in the metaphor.

4. The poem could benefit from a more structured rhythm or rhyme scheme. This would help to enhance the musicality of the piece and make it more engaging for the reader.

5. The use of the adjective "enchanted" in the final line is somewhat ambiguous. If the heart is enchanted by the memories, it might be more appropriate to use a term that conveys a positive or magical quality. If the heart is enchanted in the sense of being under a spell or curse, a term conveying a negative or oppressive quality might be more fitting.

6. Lastly, the poem could benefit from further exploration of the theme of memory. The title suggests that the poem will delve into specific memories, but the text remains quite abstract. Providing more concrete details or imagery could help to make the theme more engaging and relatable for readers.

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