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Colourful night

Submitted by Mini on Wed, 2024-08-28 15:31

Fireworks have always captivated me
A burst of light painting the night sky,
A beautiful sight
that takes everyone's breath away.
But that night was different,
The brilliance of the fireworks
Became more than just a display
They became a backdrop to a moment,
A moment that felt uniquely ours
You were there,
So close that our paths,
Once parallel, finally intertwined.
Your presence turned that fleeting display
Into something timeless
And now, whenever I think back to that night,
Every color reminds me of that day
And the emotions I felt,
A happiness that lingers long
After the fireworks have faded.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 08/25/24 to 08/31/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-08-28 21:31

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey a personal experience and emotion. The fireworks serve as a potent symbol for a transformative moment in the speaker's life. The language is evocative and the narrative structure is clear, helping the reader to follow the speaker's emotional journey.

However, the poem could benefit from more specificity in its imagery and language. For instance, instead of stating "A beautiful sight that takes everyone's breath away," consider describing the sight in more detail, allowing the reader to experience its beauty for themselves. Similarly, instead of saying "A happiness that lingers long," show the reader what this happiness looks like or feels like.

The poem could also delve deeper into the speaker's emotions and the significance of the moment. What makes this moment "uniquely ours"? What emotions were felt? How has this moment changed the speaker or their perception of the world? Providing more insight into these aspects could add depth to the poem and make it more engaging for the reader.

Finally, consider the poem's rhythm and flow. Some lines are significantly longer than others, which can disrupt the poem's rhythm. Experimenting with line breaks and punctuation could help to create a more consistent rhythm and enhance the poem's musicality.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Thu, 2024-08-29 00:10

Geezer's picture
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Your language is good, really simple and plain,
but good, descriptive stuff.
I get the significance of the paths running parallel and then intertwined.
You and a lover watching fireworks, took advantage of the romantic scenario
and made a moment. I don't know how to make that any clearer.
I also get the idea that the relationship may not have gone any further than that night; but it is a much cherished memory. All-in-all, I think that it is a good poem, that with another look a bit further down the road, could be made slightly better.
Let it settle, and see what others think about it. ~ Geezer.

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Mini

Thu, 2024-08-29 04:45

Mini's picture

The poem mostly represents that person being there but not with me :)

Manja

author comment

captain 2

Thu, 2024-08-29 00:16

Can you imagine someone getting a hand-written note like that! Maybe in a 10-year anniversary card, or, even better: in an email from someone you haven't seen in 10 years! I would treasure that note. I especially like the last 5 lines --- yes, your moments really do belong to you forever - no matter what happens after. In the end those are your greatest treasures, and they might actually be ALL you are.

Thanks for sharing!
Best, Captain

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