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Harmony's battle
On paths where seraphs blaze begun,
A tale of peace and war as one.
Celestial whispers fill the night,
While shadows clash in ancient fight.
Gardens with lilies, calm is torn,
Thunder roars, and war is born.
A wishing sword from realms above
Pierced through time with a mighty shove.
Mountains like veins, impacts unfold,
Heaven’s harp with a golden hold.
Thunder crashes, lightning roars,
Harmony’s baton still explores.
Soaring on wings, eagles fly,
In chaos where the sky meets high.
A grail of grace, dreams interlace,
Peace in heaven’s warm embrace.
Dragon’s breath and war’s fierce flame,
Scorched lands bear a timeless name.
From the fire, a bird will rise,
Gentle flame to touch the skies.
Paradise gates swing open wide,
Time writes truth on scars that bide.
New suns rise from scars once told,
Heaven sings in colors bold.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-08-14 13:23
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Harmony's battle" presents a vivid and imaginative depiction of a celestial conflict. The use of metaphors and similes is effective in creating a fantastical atmosphere and the language is rich and evocative.
However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement. Firstly, the narrative thread could be clearer. The poem seems to jump from one image to another without a clear connection. For instance, the transition from "Gardens with lilies, calm is torn" to "Thunder roars, and war is born" could be smoother. The reader might struggle to understand how these two images relate to each other.
Secondly, the poem could benefit from more consistent rhythm and meter. The poem seems to follow a rhyming scheme, but the rhythm is irregular, which can make the poem feel disjointed. For example, the line "A wishing sword from realms above" has a different number of syllables than the preceding line, which disrupts the flow.
Lastly, the poem could use more concrete imagery. While the poem is filled with grand and abstract images like "celestial whispers," "heaven's harp," and "paradise gates," it lacks specific, tangible details that could make these images more vivid and relatable.
In conclusion, while the poem demonstrates a strong command of language and a rich imagination, it could benefit from a clearer narrative thread, more consistent rhythm, and more concrete imagery.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Wed, 2024-08-14 08:14
Dear Mini,
I can say that I really enjoyed the beauty of this poem. my favorite lines are:
Dragon’s breath and war’s fierce flame,
Scorched lands bear a timeless name.
From the fire, a bird will rise,
Gentle flame to touch the skies.
Good luck on the contest!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Lavender
Wed, 2024-08-14 12:35
Harmony's Battle
Hello, Mini,
Amazing poem - a bit of the mythical world and the real world. I've read several times. In my interpretation, it speaks of the Universe's bold strength and destruction, and also its wise and gentle renewal and healing. Wonderful poetry.
Thank you!
L