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Longing

Submitted by RoseBlack on Mon, 2024-01-01 21:59

Warm night, steam from ice.
Hold me down, beneath your body.
Mama's baby drenched in sin,
while you call for me again.

As my lips scrape against your chest,
a single tear falls, grazing my breast.
Knowing it will never be more than this.
Survival of the fittest.

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 12/31/23 to 01/06/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-01-02 04:00

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Longing" utilizes vivid, sensual imagery to convey a sense of desire and regret. The juxtaposition of "warm night" and "steam from ice" in the first line creates an intriguing contrast, setting the tone for the rest of the poem.

The use of the phrase "Mama's baby drenched in sin" is a powerful way to express guilt or shame. However, it might be beneficial to provide more context or clarification to this line, as it could be interpreted in multiple ways depending on the reader's perspective.

The line "As my lips scrape against your chest" is a strong sensory detail that enhances the intimate atmosphere of the poem. However, the word "scrape" may not be the best choice here, as it can have a harsh, uncomfortable connotation that might not align with the overall tone of the poem.

The concluding line, "Survival of the fittest", seems to be a metaphor for the relationship being described. It could be beneficial to expand on this concept and how it relates to the rest of the poem. For instance, is the speaker suggesting that the relationship is a competition or struggle? If so, this could be further developed to add depth to the poem.

Overall, the poem effectively uses imagery and metaphor to evoke emotion. With some refinement and expansion on certain concepts, it could be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-01-04 07:57

ouch!

Dear Carrie,

It makes the heart ache...all that loneliness... Great work!

*love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Thu, 2024-01-04 16:02

Loving

Someone seems to be the most painful thing in the world. Thank you for the comment.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Ruby Lord

Fri, 2024-01-05 05:30

There is a sense of desire

There is a sense of desire and deperation in your poem, which you use to highlight the complexities of this relationship.
It has left me with more questions than answers which is always good in poetry, you have left your words to run through my mind. Excellent, Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

RoseBlack

Fri, 2024-01-05 07:19

Hi Ruby

Thank you for the read and comment. There is a strong desire in the poem and desperation as you said. No one ever seems to stay no matter how much you love them.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Clentin

Fri, 2024-01-05 06:59