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Leaving On A Train

Submitted by RoseBlack on Wed, 2024-01-10 23:30

Destination anywhere,
frozen tears pierce my skin,
as a bitter wind slaps my face.
Much like the memories of you and this place.

Passersby, in ghostly form,
not really here but not really gone.
The train rolls in, like storm clouds in the sky.
I've never been so glad to say goodbye.

The conductor, in his broken down attire,
bids me good day as I board his vessel.
One way ticket to parts unknown,
no turning back once the whistle has blown.

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

Contest:

01/24 Leaving on a Train

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-01-11 05:30

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Leaving On A Train" employs vivid imagery and metaphorical language to convey a sense of departure and longing. The use of elements such as "frozen tears," "bitter wind," and "ghostly form" effectively create an atmosphere of melancholy and desolation. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme to enhance its musicality and flow.

The first stanza sets a strong emotional tone, but the transition to the second stanza could be smoother. The abrupt shift from the personal experience of the speaker to the observation of "passersby" might be jarring for some readers. It could be beneficial to provide a more explicit connection between these two elements.

The third stanza introduces a new character, the conductor, which adds an interesting dynamic to the poem. However, the phrase "ramshackle attire" seems a bit out of place. If the intention is to depict the conductor as a symbol of decay or neglect, it might be helpful to expand on this idea to make it more clear to the reader.

The final line, "no turning back once the whistle has blown," effectively encapsulates the theme of irreversible departure. However, the phrase "parts unknown" is somewhat cliché and could be replaced with a more original expression.

Overall, the poem successfully communicates a sense of longing and departure through its use of imagery and metaphor. With some adjustments to the rhythm, transitions, and language, it could be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-01-11 07:32

WOW!

Negativity in your poetry really works for you! I love it! I will not be quoting my favorite lines, as I cannot choose them. They are all brilliant. This piece brought a chill to my spine. the passion, and wistfulness...

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Thu, 2024-01-11 08:55

Thank you

It was kind of a ghost train concept...coming to take a lost soul who is longing to forget and needing to move on. Destination anywhere no one knows her. Fresh start. Thank you for the read and comment.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-01-11 09:01