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Leaving on a Train

Leaving on a train, a journey untold,
Through valleys and mountains, my story unfolds.
The whistle blows, its haunting cry,
I bid farewell to the world passing me by.

Windows frame scenes of a fading town,
A stream of colors, reflections abound.
Infinite moments, captured in a glance,
I chase the horizon, taking my chance.

The rhythmic clatter of iron on steel,
Echoes the rhythm of my heart, I feel.
Leaving behind what once was dear,
I embrace the unknown, and conquor my fear.

Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Hello, Clentin,
Very cool poem. I actually felt the rhythm of the train while reading. Love that final line!
Thank you,
L

Thank you very much for reading and your generous comments

author comment

Leaving on a train, a journey untold
Through valleys, mountains, my story unfolds
The whistle is blowing, its haunting cry
I bid farewell, the world passing me by

The windows frame scenes of a fading town
A whirl of colors, reflections abound
Infinite moments, captured in a glance
I chase the horizon, taking my chance

The rhythmic clatter of iron on steel
Echoes the pounding, of my heart, I feel
Leaving behind, what once was so dear
I embrace the unknown, conquer my fear

Two word changes and a couple of little words excised, and you will notice a difference.
The two instances of a nine count will not be noticeable.
Sometimes, a word may fit the meter, but it doesn't seem to fit comfortably with its neighbors.

As always, use it, abuse it or lose it, my comments and advice are free. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Thank you for your comments. Can you be specific about words that need changed etc,?

author comment

I see the last line. Good suggestion.

author comment

1] kaleidoscope - too many syllables

2] leave off the [I] in the last line

3] add [so] to the line of "Leaving behind what once was [so] dear"

4] delete [As] last line of second stanza

5] delete the [and] in last line.

I was mistaken in thinking that there were two words to be changed.
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Thank you very much.

author comment
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