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The last ride outside the city
A cold day met by even a colder night
The night I will leave the concrete jungle behind for the very last time
All aboard, I glanced at the clock 11:59, and it is right on time
I looked ahead just like I thought no one will wave me off
And that’s when I saw on the stairs all my students, principal, and the gym teacher I kind of had a crush on
Each with glistening tears waving back at me
There was a lump in my throat the size of Mt. Everest
I wanted at once to suspend this moment in time
There was nothing else I could do and that was the seal that marked a job well done
As I turned the chapter on PS 55 I will be forever changed
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-01-24 12:04
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively utilizes imagery and metaphor to convey a sense of nostalgia and finality. However, there are areas where the structure and clarity could be improved.
1. Consistency in Tense: The poem fluctuates between past and present tense. For instance, "This cold day met by even a colder night" is in past tense, while "The night I will leave the concrete jungle behind for the very last time" is in future tense. This inconsistency can be confusing for the reader. It would be beneficial to maintain a consistent tense throughout the poem.
2. Sentence Structure: Some sentences in the poem are quite long and complex, which can make the poem difficult to follow. For example, "And that’s when I saw on the stairs all my students, principal, and the gym teacher I kind of had a crush on" could be split into two sentences to improve readability.
3. Use of Metaphor: The metaphor "There was a lump in my throat the size of Mt. Everest" is a powerful image, but it might be more effective if it were more subtly integrated into the poem. The direct comparison to Mt. Everest could be seen as hyperbolic and might detract from the emotional impact of the poem.
4. Clarity: The phrase "that was the seal that marked a job well done" is somewhat unclear. It may be beneficial to revise this line to more directly convey its intended meaning.
5. The poem's theme of departure and change is clear and well-developed. The final line, "As I turned the chapter on PS 55 I will be forever changed", effectively encapsulates this theme and provides a strong conclusion to the poem.
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Lavender
Wed, 2024-01-24 13:11
The Last Ride Outside The City
Hello, Tawny,
If this is about you, a very significant moment in your life. They all gathered late at night to see you off?! Congratulations on a job well done! How precious!
You might want to tighten this up a bit, perhaps take out words that aren't entirely necessary, and make the lines more consistent in length.
Such an enjoyable read about a wonderful devotion - both yours and your students and peers.
Thank you!
L
Geezer
Wed, 2024-01-24 14:44
I absolutely agree...
with Lavender, I would have used a lot more words to say half of what she said. ~ Geez.
.
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Tawny023
Fri, 2024-01-26 11:53
Thanks
Thanks for reading
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