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haunted shack
There it sits on cinder blocks,
A dank three room shack.
The kind if you duck a bullet will wheeze by
Pass the refrigerator and out the back door.
It’s a little creepy with its 70s brocade heavy curtains and thick sticky dust.
A slipcover over a molded brown couch
Blood sucking dust mites nibbling through bedclothes.
Would not think a ghost would want to
Settle there.
But rest assured when the pilot lights goes out you are not alone.
What goes bump in the night does not even shout.
There’s no torch light that will protect you
From this frighten stance, it’s best that you pray you do not come up missing.
The anxiety that was endured over the years in this filthy dark place is unfathomable.
With its scratching fiendish rats and sickening smell of droppings clinging to every inch of air.
No water, heat, or ventilation it’s maddening and you’re unable to breathe there.
It’s the reason you choose to turn away rather then go back inside.
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2024-01-21 12:20
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Haunted Shack" effectively employs vivid and sensory language to create a dark and haunting atmosphere. The descriptions of the shack's physical state and the unsettling experiences within it are detailed and engaging, evoking a strong sense of unease and dread.
However, there are a few areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement. Firstly, the rhythm and meter of the poem could be improved. The poem seems to fluctuate between different rhythmic patterns, which can disrupt the flow and make it difficult for the reader to follow. Consistency in rhythm can enhance the overall reading experience.
Secondly, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structures. Many of the sentences start with "it's" or "there's", which can make the poem feel repetitive. Experimenting with different sentence structures can add dynamism and interest to the poem.
Lastly, the poem could delve deeper into the emotional experiences of the inhabitants of the shack. While the physical conditions are well-described, the poem could further explore the psychological impact of living in such a place. This would add depth to the poem and make it more emotionally resonant for the reader.
Overall, while the poem effectively creates a haunting atmosphere, improvements in rhythm, sentence structure, and emotional depth could enhance its impact.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Sun, 2024-01-21 17:18
Haunted Shack
Hello, Tawny,
Great imagery. I've actually come across a place like this a time or two. Very eerie feeling, and I moved along right away. You may want to tighten up the lines a bit, remove any unnecessary words, for example: "From your frightened stance." The threatening, haunting description in the previous line, and then the warning to pray to not come up missing describe fear very well. I really like the final line - makes me wonder how fast they got out the first time.
Thank you,
L
Candlewitch
Mon, 2024-01-22 07:17
Hello Tawny,
Your descriptions of this place are quite formidable! I shudder at the thought of even placing one foot in there! Very good job!
*hugs, Cat
*
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