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Killer Decisions...

Submitted by Geezer on Thu, 2023-11-30 10:25

The eyes are what disturbs him
as he looks into the glass
The mirror showing his decay
his youth is gone at last

"Why do I do as I will do?
I could quit and go to ground
I've made the world a safer place
there's fewer perverts 'round"

Hello my brother, I am here

"Bah, you would show up just now"

Come on Killer, don't be like that
I heard you take your bow

You do it for the accolades
see your crime in headlines bold
They have your name, my brother
you are stories wrapped in gold

"So, you must imagine riches
our story sells so very well
Oh yes, my brother, Geezer
we're rich, as you can tell"

Let's go to someplace warmer
stop killing, take a break and chill
I'll make all the arrangements
say the word, you know I will

"Well, I have one or two engagements
I suppose right after that...
We could take a small vacation
we might not come back, 'till after that"

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Kind of answering Candlewitch's challenge.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-11-30 16:30

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Killer Decisions" presents an intriguing dialogue between two characters, presumably brothers. This dialogue form is an effective tool for revealing character and conflict, and it's used effectively here. However, the poem could benefit from more clarity in its narrative and thematic development.

The poem seems to explore themes of guilt, regret, and the allure of notoriety, but these themes could be developed more clearly. For instance, the poem could delve deeper into the character's motivations for his actions, his feelings about his notoriety, and his relationship with his brother. This would provide a stronger emotional connection for the reader.

The poem's rhythm and rhyme scheme are generally consistent, which contributes to its readability. However, there are some lines that disrupt the rhythm, such as "I've made the world a safer place / there's fewer perverts 'round" and "we might not come back, 'till after that". Adjusting the syllable count or word choice in these lines could improve the poem's flow.

The poem's language is generally clear and accessible, but there are some moments of ambiguity. For example, it's unclear what the character means by "I could quit and go to ground". Clarifying these moments could help the reader better understand the poem's narrative and themes.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more vivid and specific imagery. The poem's current imagery, such as the mirror and the headlines, is somewhat generic. Using more unique and specific imagery could make the poem more memorable and engaging for the reader.

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Ruby Lord

Thu, 2023-11-30 11:01

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This gives us a glimpse into the psyche you appear to have adopted and I enjoyed the conversational tone in the poem.
My only point is improved punctuation may help with the flow and allow the reader to pause, take a breath, and contemplate what you're saying here.
Great poem, nice tone and so different, it was like reading a mystery story, and I always appreciate a great story. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Geezer

Thu, 2023-11-30 15:14

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of the improved punctuation that you are talking about. Why should I clutter up the end of the lines with commas or stops?
Only some of the conversation is bracketed with quotation marks, to keep track of who is speaking; if they were all in quotes, how would you know who was talking?

~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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RoseBlack

Thu, 2023-11-30 15:44

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Between the personalities...good to see the boys working together to balance each other out. I think this may be the first time Killer has really shown himself as a man with human emotions like self doubt. Glad he has Geezer to bring him back around. He would surely be missed if he did anything rash.

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Thu, 2023-11-30 17:21

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I'm always glad to see what you think about Killer. Yes, he has thought about giving it a rest. Of course, he will never give it up altogether, but he really does need a vacation. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Candlewitch

Sat, 2023-12-02 06:27

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Is it not great to have those inner voices running through your mind? I love it! Killer, you kick @ss where it should be trounced! Geezer, you are my favorite with your practicality! But, let us not forget Sir Gee, like a white knight always in the light of higher love! This piece is magnificent in its dialogue set. I would not break it apart.

*ever, eddy styx
*love, Cat

p.s.

AI is a big pain in the butt an does not know what it is talking about!

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Sat, 2023-12-02 09:40

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when the 'boys' get to fighting and arguing, I just want to strangle them all.
Anubis just looks at me as though to say; "What the hell are they arguing about?
Life is good, we are doing something for the social environment, [taking out the trash],
We have more than enough to eat, and the new restaurant is doing well.
BTW, the new burger is great, although I could do without the mushrooms next time."

I'll pass that along to Killer, Nubi.
Alright, so are we good here?

Oh yeah, Cat, I've seen your comments to the big Kahuna.
I've written 'Himself' just this very morning. Anyway, glad that you still enjoy Killer and co.
I think we; [as the site] are turning the corner, and regaining our spot in the limelight.
Thanks to the core of our membership which has really stepped up. Thank you all, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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