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"I'm Back"... [I didn't like it]... Challenge #18

I'm back from where I went
I don't think I'll go there again
I really didn't like it
I didn't meet any friends

I thought that I would take a chance
Trying something new
There wasn't a description
No one had a point of view

So I packed a ragged suitcase
Put my money on a card
I took a bus that went there
Leaving wasn't hard

When I got there, it was boring
Nothing much to do
I whiled away the days
I thought a lot about you

Too many days and nights alone
Work was all I did
When they came for me to party
I just went and hid

This morning, I bought a ticket
I wanted to come back
So let me off at the corner
And I'll just say; "I'm Back"

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I decided to do just a little to fix the rhythm. ~ Geez. .
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

An overall good piece of writing my friend. Good rhythm, rhyme and story telling. If one wanted to play around with it we could make it really super duper tight.

I'm back from where I went 6
I don't think I'll go there again 8
I really didn't like it 7
I didn't meet any friends 7 (28)

I thought that I would take a chance 8
Trying something new 5
There wasn't a description 7
No one had a point of view 7 (27)

So I packed up a ragged suitcase 9
Put my money on a card 7
I took a bus that went there 7
Leaving wasn't hard 5 (28)

When I got there, it was boring 8
Nothing much to do 5
I whiled away the days 6
I thought a lot about you 7 (26)

Too many days and nights lonely 8
Work was all I did 5
When they came for me to party 8
I just went and hid 5 (26)

This morning, I bought a ticket 8
I wanted to come back 6
So let me off at the corner 8
And I'll just say; "I'm Back" 6 (28)

It’s great as is. Here is an analysis of the syllable count per line and per stanza. It doesn’t need fixing but we could if you want.

Super job
Tim

I think I would like to leave it the way it is. I feel like if we make it too even, it will seem mechanical. I would rather make up the beats and the rhythm by the way it is spoken. Thank you for the deep analysis of beats in each stanza.
~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Good take on the title. A fun story to read. I like the back and forth of wanting to be wherever there was and wanting to be where you were.

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

It is partly memory and partly fiction. When I saw the title "Waitng Room", I remember hearing that Amsterdam, N.Y. was finally getting bus service back again; which brought to mind, the old bus-station and the little waiting-room that it had, back in the day, with a few small benches and a ticket window. I remember sitting there, waiting for the bus going to Schenectady. I would sit in the waiting room, watching people with battered suitcases, wondering where they were going ; maybe they were going to find a new job and someplace new to live? Would they ever come back?
I thought about how I was eager to go to Schenectady, and spend the day there, but even if I had a good time with friends and doing stuff downtown; Woolworth's, Kressges, Carl Co. [Dept. stores] and maybe swimming at Mont Pleasant pool; it was always good to get back to my hometown. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Make the best poems it seems. I enjoy reading about everyone's past lives and memories

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

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