Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Hugs and forehead kisses

Submitted by Trail on Sun, 2024-07-28 17:55

I'd peel your orange for you
Hold your hand when it comes for you
The phantom that crouches and hides
In the dark alleys of your brain

There's not much that can be said
Your tale is written across your face
One look into your eyes
And I knew your story
It's a sad tale, a heartbreaking tale
Full of anger and anguish
And a loneliness so vast
It could bridge the chasm between heaven and hell

This is how I know
You need a gentle love
An easy love that let's you breathe
Holds you close and soothes your soul
Like the gentle sound of falling rain
On a Saturday morning

I'd peel an orange for you
Hold you and kiss your forehead
I would sing you to sleep in my arms
Make you feel seen, loved and understood
A. SWANTALALA

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

I wrote this poem for a girl I like who is living with BPD and chronic depression. At times she feels like she doesn't deserve to be loved because of her mental condition and the traumas she lived through in her childhood. This was my way of saying to her that she's worthy and that I want to be that guy for her. I hope you enjoy it.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 07/28/24 TO 08/03/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-07-29 00:00

Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

It is not feasible to offer feedback.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Words Ablaze

Mon, 2024-07-29 02:39

It's a beauty. Very touching.

It's a beauty. Very touching.
"A loneliness so vast
It could bridge the chasm
Athwart heaven and hell".
That's the money verse you got there.

Trail

Tue, 2024-07-30 15:38

Words Ablaze

My favorite is the last line. "Make you feel seen, loved, understood."

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2024-07-29 08:43

Hello Trail...

Just my thoughts about the first few lines.
I think that you ought to establish the link between [it]and the [phantom] right away

I'd peel your orange for you
Hold your hand
When the phantom comes for you
The one that crouches and hides
In the dark alleys of your brain

Then, there is the line that says:
"There is not much that can be said"

I would opt for:
There is not much [to be] said.

All-in-all, a good poem about a love for someone who is dear to you.
Of course, you are welcome to use or dismiss any, or all of what I give you here.

Nicely done, ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Trail

Tue, 2024-07-30 15:26

Geezer

I really love the" There's not much to be said" line. Fits more smoothly with the rest of the poem. Thank you for the suggestions. That's the only way we can grow as poets.

author comment

Lavender

Mon, 2024-07-29 21:12