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A NIGHT FULL OF STARS

Submitted by Trail on Sat, 2023-10-07 17:11

The distant barking of dogs
Perhaps only to fill the silence
But as one barks,
Another barks right back
This itself is beautiful

There's a cold wind blowing
Against my naked knee as I stand
Here with my head raised
My eyes toward the heavens
Taking in this view
Of a night full of stars

There's a screaming in my heart
A wailing I was never able to silence
Through these long and hard years
There's a lonesomeness in me
It has followed me like a shadow
All my life

But to be a dog on a night like this
To know that all I need to do is bark
And another would bark right back
To maybe just for a moment
Not feel so alone
A. SWANTALALA

Review Request (Intensity):

Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoem Of The Week October 1st to October 7th 2023

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-10-07 23:11

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A Night Full of Stars" effectively uses imagery and metaphors to convey a sense of loneliness and longing for connection. The use of the barking dogs as a metaphor for communication and companionship is particularly striking. However, the transition from the second stanza to the third could be smoother. The sudden shift from the physical (cold wind, naked knee, raised head) to the emotional (screaming heart, wailing) is a bit jarring. Perhaps introducing the emotional element gradually or weaving it into the physical descriptions could create a more seamless transition.

The poem also seems to oscillate between a detached, observational tone and a deeply personal, introspective one. While this could be a deliberate choice to reflect the speaker's internal conflict, it might be worth considering a more consistent tone throughout the poem to enhance its overall coherence and impact.

Lastly, the final stanza, where the speaker expresses a desire to be a dog, is a powerful image that encapsulates the poem's central theme. However, the phrase "To maybe just for a moment / Not feel so alone" could benefit from more specificity. What does the speaker imagine this moment of connection would feel like? How would it change their perception of their loneliness? Expanding on this could add depth and emotional resonance to the poem's conclusion.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Sun, 2023-10-08 14:40