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THE CHILDREN OF AUTUMN

Submitted by Trail on Sun, 2023-12-17 10:40

The silent swish of the corn
Dancing to the breeze out in the field
The round bellies of the autumn children
Their laughter and play
The dances in the sunshine

But what about these children of autumn
What about the horrible realization they're about to come to
Do they know that this autumn must soon end?
That these seasons come and go?

Soon they will come to know
Just how hard and cold this world can be
How desolate
How unforgiving
It's good that they know autumn now
That their bellies are full
And their lips are full of song and laughter

For it is known that soon the sun will set
That in a moment winter will be here again
The leaves will fall from the trees
And everything we have held on to so dearly
Will be gone

My heart goes out for these children of autumn
For the tragedies they're about to face
For their sake
I wish it didn't have to come
But winter is almost here
What can I do but wish them luck
And hope they survive

This harvest will soon be done
The songs will turn to shivers
And those round full bellies
Will turn to grumbling soon
Once upon a time
I was one of them
A. SWANTALALA

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

How does this theme appeal to you?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 12/17/23 to 12/23/23

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-12-17 16:40

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "The Children of Autumn" employs a rich use of imagery and metaphor, effectively conveying the passage of time and the inevitable hardships that come with it. However, there are areas that could be improved for a more impactful reading experience.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. The lines vary greatly in length, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. By refining the rhythm, the poem could create a more immersive and engaging experience for the reader.

Secondly, the poem could explore the use of more diverse and specific language. While the poem does well to evoke a sense of melancholy and impending hardship, the language used is quite general. For example, phrases like "hard and cold" and "desolate" are rather common descriptors. By using more unique and specific language, the poem could create a more vivid and memorable image in the reader's mind.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative or thematic progression. While the poem does effectively convey the theme of the passage of time and the hardships of life, it does so in a somewhat repetitive manner. By introducing new elements or perspectives as the poem progresses, it could maintain the reader's interest and provide a more satisfying narrative arc.

Overall, "The Children of Autumn" is a poignant exploration of the passage of time and the hardships of life, but could benefit from a more consistent rhythm, more diverse language, and a clearer narrative progression.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Leslie

Sun, 2023-12-17 11:04

Ace

I haven't heard from you in awhile. I hope you are doing well.
I found this poem heartwarming and heartbreaking as well.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

Trail

Sun, 2023-12-17 13:04

Hey John

I have been inactive for a while, but as you know poetry is an anchor that helps us survive these storms life throws at us.

I hope you have been well through these long months. Thank you for enjoying my poem.

author comment

Lavender

Sun, 2023-12-17 11:39