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Mayflies

Submitted by Trail on Sat, 2024-07-27 14:15

The mayflies are dying in their thousands
More with each passing day
They blow in the wind like fallen autumn leaves
Just where can life be found these days?

Today I met someone I used to know
I snapped my fingers to remember her name
Acted like I don't whisper it in the wee hours
When her memories chase sleep from my eyes
And my troubled soul
Sings a half forgotten melody

In reality it means nothing
To forget or to remember someone
The mayflies are dying in their thousands
This will all be over soon

I toss and turn for hours on end
Before sleep finally finds me
The mornings are becoming harder and harder
To have to wake up and face this
All over again

The mayflies are dying in their thousands
But the days still come and go
You can lose half your soul today
But tomorrow will come just the same
A. SWANTALALA

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 07/21/24 to 07/27/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-07-27 20:20

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Mayflies" captures a sense of fleeting time and mortality through the imagery of dying mayflies. The repetition of the line "The mayflies are dying in their thousands" effectively conveys a sense of inevitability and impermanence. The comparison of mayflies to fallen autumn leaves adds to the melancholic tone of the poem.

The personal reflection on memory and the passage of time adds depth to the poem. The speaker's struggle to remember a past acquaintance and the realization that memories can be fleeting are poignant moments that resonate with the theme of transience.

The use of imagery such as snapping fingers to remember a name and troubled soul singing a half-forgotten melody creates vivid scenes and emotions for the reader. The contrast between personal struggles and the larger theme of mortality is well-executed.

Consider exploring the theme of impermanence further by delving into different aspects of life that are transient. Additionally, refining the structure and flow of the poem could enhance its impact on the reader

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Leslie

Sat, 2024-07-27 21:00

Leslie's picture

Mayflies dying in droves like a thousand memories of a past lover. Yes it will all be over soon for these cycles are the way of life. The ebbs and flows, the ups and downs. What a beautiful poem. I hope that you remember me my friend. You are an outstanding poet!

All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!

Leslie

Sat, 2024-07-27 21:07

Leslie's picture

This is the way of life and such a beautiful and creative poem. Your poems always take my breath away. I hope that you remember me my friend and that life is being good to you and offering positive and gainful opportunities.

All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!

Trail

Sun, 2024-07-28 05:38

Trail's picture

And I'm glad you enjoyed reading my poem. Life has been a ride, but we're still here. Still living and making art. It's a wonderful experience

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