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THE AFTERNOON SKY
The clouds have blotted out the sun
And somewhere a radio is playing
A song from my childhood
It feels hazy
Like a dream I can barely recall
Northwards the sky is a deep blue
It's vast and empty
Perhaps that's why my heart quickens,
Emptiness calling for emptiness
Once they told me poetry would save me
And perhaps for a time it did
Maybe all those hours I spent
On reading and writing and dreaming
Could have just as easily
Sent me to madness
Or had me jump off a roof somewhere
But now?
The sky is blue and beautiful
Sometimes a few clouds drift by
And that's all the beauty in my life
Everything has fallen to pieces
Turned to dust before my eyes
I am hungry and lonely
And hopeless
Poetry will not save you
Its like the last matchstick in the dark
It burns only for a moment
And soon, you're on your own
Again
A. SWANTALALA
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neopoet
Sat, 2023-10-21 13:13
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "The Afternoon Sky" effectively uses vivid imagery and metaphors to convey a sense of melancholy and disillusionment. The transition from the hazy childhood memory to the stark reality of the present is well executed. However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of poetic devices such as rhythm and rhyme to enhance its overall impact.
The first stanza sets a strong scene with the clouds blotting out the sun and a radio playing a song from the poet's childhood. The use of the word "hazy" effectively conveys the sense of a distant, barely remembered past. However, the transition to the second stanza could be smoother. The abrupt shift from the dreamy past to the deep blue sky might be jarring for some readers.
The metaphor of the sky representing emptiness is powerful, but the phrase "Emptiness calling for emptiness" could be rephrased for clarity. It might be more effective to directly link the emptiness of the sky with the poet's feelings of loneliness or despair.
The exploration of the role of poetry in the poet's life is thought-provoking. The idea that poetry could lead to madness or even suicide is a stark contrast to the common belief that art is a form of salvation. This could be further developed to add depth to the poem.
The final stanza effectively conveys the poet's sense of hopelessness. The metaphor of the last matchstick burning out in the dark is a powerful image that encapsulates the fleeting nature of hope. However, the final line "Again" might be unnecessary and could be removed for a stronger ending.
In terms of structure, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of rhythm and rhyme. This would enhance the flow of the poem and make it more engaging for the reader. The current free verse style works well with the poem's themes, but a more structured approach might enhance its overall impact.
Overall, "The Afternoon Sky" is a poignant exploration of disillusionment and despair. With some minor adjustments, it could be even more impactful.
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