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He sings to me

Submitted by Lepadah on Wed, 2012-05-23 17:39

He sings to me

I"m the happiest when
i'm within the one note you sing to me
eavesdrop quietly
a faint back into a prism of lyrics
too absolute to possess
I let it breathe then rest
on the abstruse center of my back
a scale pulse decrypt rungs nexus intricacies
a looped spinal cord
emancipate movement to the accompaniment of fingertips
a prod boney keys
to lessen her aches and pangs so as to create again in chancel

© 2012 Lepadah

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Dalton

Thu, 2012-05-24 19:08

A few too many big words here that swallow up any room for imagery I think. This makes the piece a little abstruse. Your a talented poet as I've seen from your other pieces posted here I just think you should maybe not lose the reader so in a dance of words. Maybe its late and I'm too tired to see beyond this. I'll come back tomoro see if I can offer some better advice. Hope I didn't offend you withthese comments.

John

Lepadah

Fri, 2012-05-25 10:08

Lepadah's picture

Thank you for your critique. Yes I sometimes venture off into a full blown trip with words offering snipets of mini
cinematic visions. I love a twist to what befalls from inspiration. the propensity to cause a tsunami of verbosity. But I love your insight and greatly appreciate constructive critique.

Peace 1 Lepadah

Lepadah

author comment

Dalton

Sat, 2012-05-26 12:19

Its certainly a nice piece of poetry and had great music to it. Like listening to a beautiful sax solo in the middle of an experimental jazz piece before veering off into the abstract again. Like John Coltrane in its long piece "Ascension". What I love about your writing is it has the feel of music which is very hard to capture in words. But at times it can seem to veer off into obscurity in parts. Leaving you to wonder what your really saying. Thats also good in a way because it forces the reader to go back and read it again.

John

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