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Haunted House

Submitted by RoseBlack on Sat, 2024-01-06 16:37

Within the darkest hour,
of the darkest night,
whispers creep through the crevices,
bringing devastating truths to light.

Floor boards creak,
from unseen feet.
Colorless lips rasp in spite,
giving way to an invisible fight.

Secrets kept, to mourn in silence.
Slip through the cracks
while others pull the knife
in and out of your back.

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

Contest:

01/24 My House is Haunted

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-01-06 22:40

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Haunted House" effectively utilizes the metaphor of a haunted house to convey a sense of mystery and unease. The use of dark imagery and language such as "darkest hour," "darkest night," and "unseen feet" contributes to the overall eerie atmosphere of the poem.

The structure of the poem is consistent, with each stanza composed of four lines. This consistency aids in the readability of the poem and allows the reader to focus on the content rather than the form.

The poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure. The majority of the lines in the poem are of similar length and follow a similar pattern. Varying the sentence structure could add interest and further engage the reader.

The poem's theme of betrayal and hidden truths is effectively conveyed through the metaphor of the haunted house. However, the transition from the haunted house metaphor to the theme of betrayal in the final stanza is somewhat abrupt. Providing more transition or context could make this shift more seamless.

The use of the phrase "pull the knife in and out of your back" is a common cliché. While clichés can sometimes be effective, in this case, it might detract from the originality of the poem. Consider revising this phrase to something more unique to the poem's context and theme.

The poem's language is generally clear and concise, which aids in the reader's comprehension. However, the phrase "Colorless lips rasp in spite" is somewhat ambiguous. Clarifying this phrase could improve the poem's overall clarity.

Overall, the poem effectively uses dark imagery and a consistent structure to convey a sense of unease and mystery. With some revisions to sentence structure, transitions, and language, the poem could be further improved.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Sen99

Sat, 2024-01-06 17:50

This is Dark and Lovely

A concise and impactful poem, liked your word choices, the images stark. atmospheric and the ending had a nice twist as well. Enjoyable piece, well done.

RoseBlack

Sat, 2024-01-06 18:32

Thank you Sen

Sometimes it isn't ghosts that haunt our house..it is the secrets stored within its walls...

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Candlewitch

Sat, 2024-01-06 18:00

Dear Carrie,

Your poem is best savored by reading it in hushed tone of voice in a room with mello music softly playing in the background.... my favorite lines are:

Secrets kept, to mourn in silence.
Slip through the cracks
while others pull the knife
in and out of your back.

*hugs and kudos, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Sat, 2024-01-06 18:33

I like

How you think. I tried a different approach with this. When we think of haunted, we think of entities or bogeymen. We don't think of the secrets our houses keep for us within its walls.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

kowque

Sat, 2024-01-06 18:22

Wowzer

1. I'm so glad this is just a poem
2. I read this an felt as though it was more about a haunted soul or an alternate state...as opposed to a physical house. But, what are bodies-if not mere corporeal cacoons that hold our 'selves'!

I really loved what you did here

Koki

RoseBlack

Sat, 2024-01-06 18:34

Hi Koki

Thank you for your comment and read! Our houses know so much about us and keep our secrets...this poem was written to touch on those.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Lavender

Sat, 2024-01-06 22:52

Haunted House

Hi, Carrie,
I second everything that Koki stated - I am glad this is just a poem. The ending is truly eerie. Whoa...
Thank you!
L

RoseBlack

Sun, 2024-01-07 04:06

Thanks L

For the warm comments and as always for reading. If walls could talk ..the stories they would tell...

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Rosewood Apothecary

Sun, 2024-01-07 07:06

This reminds me of The Ten of Hearts in tarot

I’m sure you know the one, the fellow is lying on the ground in prone position with ten long swords driven through his back into the earth.

It can mean a few different things. First and foremost, it can mean you’ve been the victim or some backstabbing. It can also mean you’ve been the one going behind others backs. Finally, it can mean like you’re stuck in the “victim” mentality, unable to move forward from old or continued attacks or wounds.

The poem is brilliant as usual and I can sense the necessity of it. Some things simply must be expressed.

Hang in there
Tim

Candlewitch

Sun, 2024-01-07 07:47

Dear Tim,

remember, the meaning of the card is tempered by the cards surrounding it, and their meanings. I used to love doing readings for others, because of the wonderfully vivid stories the cards told! I developed my own spread to use bot major and minor arcana, the full deck.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Sun, 2024-01-07 08:09

I would

Be interested in a reading. I'm fascinated and curious to see what they would say.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Candlewitch

Sun, 2024-01-07 11:33

Dear Carrie,

I would love to read your cards, I just do not know how to do it without being in the same room with you. Let me think on it... I wish you were one of my neighbors.

*love & hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Sun, 2024-01-07 13:23

I would

Love for there to be a way. Are you able to do any type of virtual meeting so we could at least see each other?

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Candlewitch

Sun, 2024-01-07 13:35

There is a "Chat" function here

I do not know if it is working or not. I think we need a third party to type the reading to you while I have a board on my lap to lay the cards upon (replace my computer with the board) while Steve types to you the results? I will ask him if he will help!

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Sun, 2024-01-07 15:07

I think

We can use chat and that would be great. Let me know when and I can be present.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

RoseBlack

Sun, 2024-01-07 08:08

Thanks Tim

That is a really good analysis. I am not overly familiar with tarot so I learned something new, which is always awesome. I don't like the victim mentality, sometimes I think I hold myself accountable for things that I am not responsible for just to avoid that mind set or to appear that I'm stuck there. This has much to do with those who have wounded and continuously defended and my disgust with it all. At the moment, I am stuck but ever looking for ways to change the situation..thank you for the read,.comment and teaching me something new.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Unca Fez

Sun, 2024-01-07 10:24

The Thing I Like...

The thing that I like about this poem is that it uses a technique used in the older horror movies: Let the imagination of the viewer/reader do most of the work, and yours does exactly that. Well done!

Thanx,
Steve

Rosewood Apothecary

Sun, 2024-01-07 11:44