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FOLLY'S PRICE (Peace vs, War)
Susan and I walk hand in hand
both of us with bloody cough
through a dead and dying land;
trees with green leaves dropping off.
Wildlife carcasses are scattered
turkeys, crows, squirrels, deer.
The beauty of my world is shattered.
I'm losing all that I held dear.
All those cussed mushroom clouds,
mere memories of a week ago.
Grey , hot dust settles like a shroud.
At nightfall distant craters glow.
No way to know who started it.
Korea? Russia? Was it us?
Communications turned to shit.
It does little good to cuss.
Susan stumbles next to me.
I turn and catch her in week arms.
How could this have come to be?
I promised to shield her from all harms.
We both sit unsteadily.
We know our end is very near.
a springtime leaf falls from a tree.
Susan's breath stops...........
..........................
I lurch awake in deep of night
in a bed now soaked in sweat
Susan is snoring, all is right.
We haven't made that mistake.....yet
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2024-08-01 17:10
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively conveys a dystopian scenario, using vivid imagery to paint a picture of a post-apocalyptic world. The choice of words and the rhythm of the lines contribute to the overall somber mood of the poem.
However, there are some areas that could be improved for clarity and impact. The transition from the apocalyptic world to the protagonist waking up from a nightmare could be more seamless. The use of ellipses and the sudden shift in the narrative may confuse readers.
The poem could also benefit from a more consistent rhyme scheme. The first four stanzas follow an ABAB pattern, but this is not maintained in the following stanzas. Consistency in rhyme scheme can enhance the flow of the poem and make it more pleasing to the ear.
Lastly, the poem could delve deeper into the emotions of the characters. While the physical setting is well-described, the emotional landscape of the characters could be further explored to create a more profound impact. For instance, the protagonist's feelings of guilt and fear could be more explicitly expressed.
Overall, the poem has a strong concept and good use of imagery. With some adjustments, it could be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Thu, 2024-08-01 12:15
Dear Scribbler,
Your poem shocked me out of my complacency. I liked how you traveled slowly, with lovely Susan on your arm, building the suspense... into a terrible climax. my favorite lines are:
I lurch awake in deep of night
in a bed now soaked in sweat
Susan is snoring, all is right.
We haven't made that mistake.....yet
the last line is Killer!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Thu, 2024-08-01 13:21
Hi Cat
I have written a few poems about nuclear war. I guess my imagination is too good because they all give me the shivers. Ya'll doing OK up there in Yankee land?
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2024-08-01 13:26
Hello Stan,
we finished with the forth of July celebration, but we have these hammer-headed Idiots who are still shooting off fireworks! they scare my cats and wake me up at night such a noise! I guess they just like to blow things up! I hope you are well.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Fri, 2024-08-02 09:53
I can recall back in the sixties way out in the country some of
distant neighbors would tie dynamite to the tops of trees and set it off.........guess they got a bang out of it lol
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2024-08-02 09:55
hello Scribbler,
That is crazy, lol!
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Fri, 2024-08-02 16:32
LOL
for southern country boys it was just good fun
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2024-08-02 14:48
Hey Scribbler...
Good take on the theme.
Nothing much to say about the rhythm, it seems to be pretty consistent.
Not really surprised that it turns out to be a nightmare, [and it surely would be].
The graphic description takes us through the sickness and waste of all our folly.
I would like to think that no matter how depraved and evil the human race is, that we can avoid an ending like this.
~ Geez.
.
.
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scribbler
Fri, 2024-08-02 16:33
I hope
that any leader who orders a first strike will be shot in place
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2024-08-02 17:03
Whole-heartedly...
agree!
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.