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CONNECTION LOST (disconnected Contest)
Slowly walking along three and twenty creek
downstream from the old rice fields
feeling all my old bones creak
but I ignore their appeals.
Ahead are some old Indian mounds
where warriors lay at their last rest.
They recline there making no sounds
hearts long silent in their chests
A breeze builds as I draw near
and a rustle in the trees
like a herd of passing deer
or a quiet voice's tease.
I pause and sit to take a break
beneath an aged hickory
and rub my knees to ease their ache
in this place that's wild and free.
My gaze wanders all around
from creek bank to high tree tops
then alights on the Indian mounds
where it lingers and then stops.
Then beneath these ancient trees
whose rustling leaves sound like static
comes a sound that makes me freeze.
Static turns to voices with a click.
The voices come from those mounds.
Though Cherokee I understand.
Direct contact within the sounds.
They tell me tales about their land.
Tales of hunting buffalo.
Tales of being stalked by lions
Tales of watching their maise grow.
Tales of their living and their dyin'
And in the background soft drums beat
along with their long wooden flutes
in ranges of both slow and fleet.
Even through the old trees' roots.
The mixture produced visuals;
flashes of what used to be
how their lives were to them most usual.
I felt they were inside of me.
I rose then stepped on a dry limb
which ended the message with its crack.
Silence...no more stories from them.
I left quickly doubting I'd go back.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2024-08-02 22:31
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "CONNECTION LOST (disconnected Contest)" is a narrative piece that takes the reader on a journey through a historical and spiritual landscape. The use of imagery and sensory language is effective in creating a vivid picture of the setting and the experiences of the speaker.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of meter and rhyme. The majority of the poem appears to follow a loose ABAB rhyme scheme, but this is not consistently applied throughout. For example, the second stanza's lines end with "rest", "sounds", "chests", and "trees", which do not follow the ABAB pattern. This inconsistency can disrupt the rhythm and flow of the poem.
The poem also includes a mix of formal and informal language, which can create a disjointed tone. For example, the use of the word "maize" is formal and somewhat antiquated, while the phrase "dyin'" is informal and colloquial. It's recommended to maintain a consistent tone throughout the poem to ensure a cohesive reading experience.
The narrative arc of the poem is clear and engaging, with the speaker's encounter with the voices of the past providing a compelling climax. However, the resolution of the poem could be developed further. The speaker's decision to leave and doubt about returning is a significant moment, but it is presented abruptly in the final line. Expanding on this moment could provide a more satisfying conclusion to the poem.
Finally, the poem could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the speaker's emotional response to the voices and their stories. While the speaker's physical reactions are described, their emotional reactions are largely unexplored. This could add depth to the poem and enhance the reader's emotional engagement with the text.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Wed, 2024-08-07 05:19
Dear Stan,
I felt a kind of uneasy reverie, as I walked along beside you! I wish you good luck on the contest, my good Sir. Favorite lines are:
And in the background soft drums beat
along with their long wooden flutes
in ranges of both slow and fleet.
Even through the old trees' roots.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Wed, 2024-08-07 21:16
Hi Cat
When ever I get around an old Indian mound, whether near home or in the mountains, I get chills thinking of what those mounds represent. I'll need luck in this contest. Appreciate you dropping by
author commentcaptain 2
Fri, 2024-08-23 18:27
Really Good!
hello Scribbler,
I felt like i was right there with you, having the same thoughts! I loved it.
scribbler
Sun, 2024-08-25 22:33
Hello Captain
I am always pleased to have folks walk beside me. Thanks for the visit
author comment