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NEW DAY (final rewrite)

Submitted by scribbler on Wed, 2024-06-05 17:16

I squeak open the rusty door
and moist morning air comes pouring in
just like so many times before.
Time another day begins,

A couple steps onto the weathered deck
and grey squirrels start to bark at me.
I shrug my shoulders and stiff neck
in the shadow of a huge oak tree.

I blink and a deer simply appears.
It stops, stomps feet and stares at me
then drops it head without a care.
He walks away ignoring me.

A brace of grey doves rocket by
dodging limbs without effort
then dwindle into light blue sky
which Now make the vanished deer sport.

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Workshop:

How to use imagery in poetry..

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-06-05 23:20

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "NEW DAY (final rewrite)" presents a vivid and engaging depiction of a morning scene, using a variety of sensory details to bring the experience to life. However, there are a few areas that could benefit from further refinement.

Firstly, the poem's rhythm and meter could use some attention. The inconsistent syllable count and rhythm between lines and stanzas can make the poem feel disjointed and can disrupt the flow for the reader. For instance, the first stanza has a 9-8-8-5 syllable count, while the second stanza has a 9-8-8-8 count. Achieving a more consistent rhythm could enhance the overall reading experience.

Secondly, there are a few instances where the poem's grammar and syntax could be improved. For instance, in the line "He walks away ignoring," it's unclear what the deer is ignoring. Revising this line for clarity could help to eliminate any confusion.

Lastly, the poem's imagery is strong but could be made even more effective with the use of more specific and unique descriptors. For instance, instead of using common adjectives like "huge" and "grey," consider using more unexpected and evocative language to describe the oak tree and the squirrels. This could help to create a more immersive and memorable experience for the reader.

In conclusion, while the poem effectively captures a morning scene and engages the senses, focusing on rhythm, grammar, and imagery could help to enhance its overall impact.

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scribbler

Thu, 2024-06-06 12:52