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TO WALK BENEATH ASPENS

Submitted by scribbler on Sun, 2024-06-30 09:44

I always thought I'd go out west
during the early weeks of fall
and roam Rocky Mountains in a quest
for antelope, mule deer, elk and all.

But I must wait 'till school is done
my priorities were clear and set.
There's no hunting under summer's sun.
My time to go was not here yet.

And still I dreamed of aspen's gold
but there was work that must be done
building a business, truth be told
along with marriage and first son.

Oh, there was time but always scattered
never enough for a trip there.
I had to do what really mattered
a life to make and love to share.

Even so, whenever fall turned cold
I'd dream of scattered mountain meadows
outlined by aspen leaves of gold
where I'd walk among the mottled shadows.

Things came up as is their way
building a home for sons and wife
all things to be done day to day
as passing time became a life.

Even while hunting southern deer
amid maple, oak and poplar trees
in familiar forests near and dear
I'd dream of aspens quaking in the breeze.

But there was always this or that
until now at last my window's passed.
I'm too lame, too old and way too fat.
Those mountain views will go un-glassed.

I long yet to walk in scattered trees
of straight burnished aspens in the fall
while listening to the distant tease
of a far off elk's high haunting call.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

OK this is not a new write but it fits the contest theme so well for me that I'm gonna enter it anyway lol

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Contest:

06/24 Bucket List

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-06-30 15:50

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "To Walk Beneath Aspens" demonstrates a strong narrative arc and a clear sense of longing and unfulfilled dreams. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.

Firstly, the rhythm of the poem is inconsistent. While the attempt to use a rhyming scheme is commendable, it sometimes feels forced and disrupts the natural flow of the poem. For example, in the line "But I must wait 'till school is done", the contraction "'till" is not standard English and seems to have been used to fit the meter. It would be beneficial to revisit the meter and ensure it is consistent throughout the poem.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from more vivid and unique imagery. While there are some evocative descriptions, such as "aspen leaves of gold" and "mottled shadows", much of the poem relies on common phrases and cliches, like "a life to make and love to share". By using more original and specific imagery, the poem could become more engaging and memorable.

Lastly, the poem could be more concise. Some lines seem to repeat ideas already expressed, such as "There's no hunting under summer's sun" and "My time to go was not here yet". By eliminating redundancy, the poem could become more impactful and its central themes more potent.

In conclusion, while the poem effectively communicates a sense of longing and unfulfilled dreams, it could be improved by refining the rhythm, enhancing the imagery, and eliminating redundancy.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Rula

Sun, 2024-06-30 12:42

Hello Stan

Yeah, a perfect poem that fits the contest title. It's absolutely a touching exploration of life's choices and the dreams that endure despite them.
I thought the closing lines are quite impactful with a lingering sense of wistfulness.
Thank you for sharing and best wishes.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

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scribbler

Sun, 2024-06-30 23:32

Hi Rula

I am pleased you enjoyed this oldie written by an oldie lol

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2024-06-30 16:27

As per always...

you have taken me to places I can no longer go.
I love your description of the aspen groves and the ache of an opportunity missed.
You don't need me to tell you where you missed the mark in meter.
Good luck in the contest. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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scribbler

Sun, 2024-06-30 23:34