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First Ride...

A warm Spring day, and Mikey sat grinning
"I've found just the thing for you."
He had a smile and a way of winning
with stuff he wanted to do.

Downstairs in the cellar, cool and damp
door open to the backyard,
We went in to peer at Mikey's camp
and at first, seeing's too hard.

But then a shape; of blue paint and chrome
emerging from the gloom
A dream, a chance for me to roam
a bicycle in the room!

It just needs some fixing up yet
the chain is rusted and it's froze
but I know how to free it, I'll bet
I've done a couple of those.

You want to help me fix your ride?
"My ride? I asked, he said "Yes
I'd like a partner at my side"
I agreed, and said I'd do my best

We wrenched and tightened spokes and stuff
patched tubes and pumped them up.
I skinned my knuckles, but I did get tough
we drank kool-aid from plastic cups.

I was nervous, astride the polished seat
First time, I'm gonna fall...
"Relax, says Mikey, you've got this beat
have confidence, that's all.

I went straight down, old Summit Ave
turned around and rode back home
best first ride, I will ever have
And me and Mikey, free to roam.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "First Ride" effectively uses narrative and descriptive elements to convey a story of camaraderie, learning, and freedom. However, there are areas where it could be improved to enhance clarity and emotional impact.

1. Consistent Rhyme Scheme: The poem seems to follow an ABAB rhyme scheme, but this is not consistently maintained. For instance, the second stanza doesn't follow this pattern. Consistency in rhyme scheme can improve the flow and rhythm of the poem.

2. Imagery: While the poem does a good job of describing the setting and the bike, it could benefit from more vivid and sensory imagery. For example, the line "A dream, a chance for me to roam" could be expanded to include more specific details about what this freedom might look like or feel like to the speaker.

3. Character Development: The characters of Mikey and the speaker are central to the poem, but they could be better developed. More details about their relationship, their personalities, or their past experiences could add depth to the poem and make the reader more invested in their story.

4. Show, Don't Tell: The poem often tells the reader what is happening or how the speaker is feeling instead of showing it through actions, dialogue, or sensory details. For example, the line "I was nervous, astride the polished seat" could be shown through the speaker's actions or physical sensations rather than directly stated.

5. Punctuation: The poem lacks consistent punctuation, which can make it difficult to follow. Adding punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem and clarify the intended rhythm and pauses.

6. Line Lengths: The lengths of the lines in the poem vary significantly, which can disrupt the rhythm. Trying to maintain a more consistent line length could improve the flow of the poem.

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That is how I felt about my first motorcycle ride! It was an emerald metallic green with detailing was in gold. A glass-pack megaphone. I loved that bike. Your language usage was good, simple enough to aid the flow through. I rolled right through this piece with anticipation and reckless abandon, lol. I was not disappointed by the ending ...and all is right in Kiddsville tonight!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Your poem brought back the memory of my first bike: my mother's bike from college. I was seven years old when we retrieved it from my grandparents' garage. I replaced the tires and inner tubes (learning the lesson that screw drivers should not be used to get the tire onto the rim.) The chain got oiled and the pedals were replaced. I remember spending an afternoon trying to ride it down the sloped front lawn. There were many tumbles. Eventually, I learned the trick and was free to ride around the small town of Shirland, Illinois and even to Drummond.

Thanks for the memory.

Thanx,
Steve

I hope kids nowadays get to dislocate the odd shoulder and graze the skin down to a bare kneecap.
We were built to bounce down the road, bleed a bit, get up and go again as kids....

Loved it, brought back memories, thanks.

Obi.

Of having a bicycle and being able to roam the neighborhood...even better with friends. Great memory and write.

~RoseBlack~

my first bicycle was not mine, but my next oldest sisters' She inserted a big stick in the front wheel. End of ride, plenty of blood... instead of this I gave you a pleasant comment. But I guess I would be missing the point of the exercise. I love your poem, it radiates Joy!

*hugs xxx, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I'm beginning to see, that I have some work to do on this one. I agree that the character development could be better, and perhaps I could address the line length. ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

Hi, Geezer,
I love the details here - tightened spokes, patched tubes, skinned knees, and kool-aid in plastic cups. The street I rode on was not Summit, but could have been with all the similarities. Very nice.
Thank you!
L

I managed to bring back those memories. We were poor kids, and had to make do with second hand or discarded bikes,
The one that I got was found by my friend on trash day, at the side of the road. He was about two years older than me and had some experience with fixing and riding. He was my best friend for about three years, until my family moved away.
We had some great times and fixed more than a few bikes to ride. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Reminds me of early growing up days. Today no one would look at a bike like that. They would simply go out and buy a new one!

had to make do, with what was available. My mother gave me the inspiration for lots of things. I saw her "make do", with what was left in the fridge and cupboards, so that we could eat. We wore second-hand clothes from "Sally's", and I remember the day that President Kennedy was killed, we were shopping for school shoes at "Sally's" [Salvation Army second-hand store]. I helped my mom fix an old wringer-washing machine, [Mikey helped] and strung a clothesline from the rear of the house to the big tree at the end of the yard. We made do many times and I never lost that urge to keep 'good' things for repurposing or fixing up something. You see it in my profile, where I say that "I collect things, my wife says that I'm a hoarder." My house doesn't look like what you see on T.V. but my closet, drawers and crannies are full of things that invariably come in useful to 'fix' something.
Yes, in short, today, they would go out and buy a new one. We are a throwaway society that complains that the price of things is too high but continue to make valuable resources ever scarcer by not recycling. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Your comments are so accurate. I lived in the same time frame maybe a bit older. I remember the Kennedy shooting I was a senior in high school. I also remember working for my dad at a much earlier age. We were always fixing things so they could be used etc. great thoughts, more poetry to come looking back!

I was fifteen. I look forward to looking back! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Your A B A B firm was great, rhyme effective. Great poem!

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