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Drifting in the Netherlands...

Submitted by Geezer on Sun, 2023-06-25 16:11

Drifting in the Netherlands, in the thick, grey, clammy mist
I woke suddenly to the low moaning of siren-song
Clammy fingers of fear, gripped my heart
I stumbled, struggling to keep balance, hold my soul...

My brain wasn't firing on all cylinders, sporadic power outages
Flickering off and on, stronger each time
The walls glowing bright-white, then dark after-images, blink, blink...
I'm baaaaaccck! Whew, now that was a trip!

I need my T.V. it's the way home, an electronic lighthouse, twenty-four seven
A beacon in the night, perfectly inflected English
Measured for effect, you can hear it in the bathroom
Don't miss this event! New phones and cars, go faster, farther!

You're not successful, if you don't have one of these!
The brand neeeewwww...
Less than a hundred dollars... only $99.99
Or get a two for one deal, just pay shipping and handling

Daddy will take another beating
When he tangles with the power tools they keep giving him
Hey, what do you say, we just go to Papa's Pancake House?
We can stop by the E.R, on the way

Make sure to put the seat down, go back to bed
Sigh, sit up to sip at the warm water in the bottle
Wishing that I stopped at the fridge
Change the channel...

Slogging through the clammy bog
Wishing there was somewhere to build a fire
I think, this must be where I come in again
Hellooooo? Is there anybody out there?

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Typical night.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-06-25 22:12

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Title: Drifting in the Netherlands...

In this poem, the writer explores a disoriented state of mind, possibly induced by a dream or a surreal experience. The poem incorporates various elements, such as fear, confusion, and the influence of media and consumerism. To enhance the poem's impact and clarity, the following suggestions may be helpful:

1. Imagery: The poem begins with a strong image of "drifting in the Netherlands, in the thick, grey, clammy mist." This effectively sets the tone for the poem. However, the poem could benefit from additional descriptive language and sensory details throughout to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the reader.

2. Structure: The poem's structure is somewhat disjointed, with abrupt transitions between stanzas. This may be intentional to reflect the disoriented state of the narrator. However, the poem could benefit from smoother transitions or clearer connections between stanzas to guide the reader through the narrative.

3. Theme: The poem touches on themes of consumerism and media influence, particularly in the lines about television and advertisements. To strengthen this theme, the writer could consider incorporating more specific examples or commentary on the impact of these influences on the narrator's state of mind.

4. Punctuation and Capitalization: The poem has inconsistent punctuation and capitalization, which can be distracting for the reader. For example, some lines end with periods, while others do not. Additionally, some lines begin with capital letters, while others do not. Consistent punctuation and capitalization can improve the poem's readability.

5. Line Breaks: The poem's line breaks could be refined to create a more consistent rhythm and flow. For example, the line "Flickering off and on, stronger each time" could be broken into two lines to emphasize the contrast between "off and on" and "stronger each time."

Overall, the poem has potential to create a vivid and thought-provoking exploration of a disoriented state of mind and the influence of media and consumerism. By refining the imagery, structure, theme, punctuation, and line breaks, the poem can become more engaging and impactful for the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Mon, 2023-06-26 17:06

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the disjointed structure and abrupt transitions are meant to show the disoriented state
of the narrator.
The theme is supposed to be one of disorientation, from abruptly waking in the middle of the night
to use the bathroom.
I see no instances of staggered caspitalization, all lines begin with capitals.
I see no need for a full stop at the end of most of the lines, as they obviously end as a statement.
I have made changes with an additional few words about needing my T.V. on 24/7 as a grounding influence.
~ Geezer.
.

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author comment

Jenifer James

Thu, 2023-06-29 20:32

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Hi Geezer, I love both the poem - that disorientated state and the first line,' Drifting in the Netherlands, in the thick, grey, clammy mist' is just fabulous (I have done the same, many times - I can smell it). It's quite personal, your experience in this bizarre space of the modern world, further disorientated by being in the Netherlands - a double whammy of disorientation -
Personally, I like the way you punctuate, or do not - it adds to the jaggedness of your experience and your reactions to it... Also, sometimes it just makes the reader think a bit if there is a lack of punctuation. Of course you are making statements
And between you and me, and this is a secret, I am not sure if AI quite gets some of this stuff yet... Oops I will be banned

Jenifer Jaspa James

Geezer

Thu, 2023-06-29 21:53

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on all counts Jenifer. Actually, I don't think that it is much of a secret, that the AI is new to all of this and does not quite get it.
It would cost a lot of money for a poetic A.I. [which we don't have]. So, we are slowly teaching this one. Nope, you won't be banned. I used the Netherlands as a figurative part of speech, not as the actual Netherlands. I used it as they might appear as
a region of low-lying country with an additional connotation of nether-regions as described by Microsoft Bing: "The lowest or furthest parts of a place, with an especial allusion to Hell or the underworld." Thanks for the read and comments. ~Geezer.
.

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