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Dragon Scent...

Submitted by Geezer on Mon, 2023-11-27 12:29

Dreams of dragons in the cliffs
caves of stone to cool their hearts
Burnished scales of copper hue
reflect light of morning's start

The smell of leather trappings
raw and bloody breakfast meat
Cries of wake up my lords and ladies
feel their warm and generous heat

Smell the musty scent of oils
feel the saddle leather
Listen for the "Riders up"
whatever is the weather

Blind eyes mean there's no flying
those days are gone for him
but he still knows how to get there
to his favorite dragon's den

Wake up my friend, my brother
I have need of you...
I wish to fly once more
I think that you do too

Since we've gone blind from flaming tar
I've learned to see by ear
I think you too, hear and smell
whenever I am near

Late at night they practiced hard
smelled the earth and air
Listening to the wind
blowing light and fair

Lifting wings and riding
oh, so cautiously
Just tens of feet above the ground
not far, for you and me

I saw them at it in the night
I said nothing to you all
I watched them fill a dream
I knew they wouldn't fall

They aren't coming back this time
They've gone for good I fear
I think revenge is on their mind
I saw them take their warring gear

But I think that they will ride forever
spitting lightning from the clouds
His voice a scream, her wings a roar
you might be deaf a bit, so loud

Beware the scent of dragon
It smells of brimstone hot
Lightning from its throat
will kill you like as not

And their fury at the trespassers
of their hillside den
Will blow them from the mountain
and go flying off again

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
A scene from a dream, after reading another dragon book. I know it's long, but I needed to tell the story.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-11-27 18:30

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Dragon Scent" presents a vivid narrative with strong imagery, effectively transporting the reader into a world of dragons and their riders. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved for clarity and rhythm.

1. Consistency in Rhyme Scheme: The poem seems to follow a loose ABAB rhyme scheme, but this is not consistently maintained throughout the poem. For instance, the stanza beginning with "Blind eyes mean there's no flying" does not adhere to this pattern. Maintaining a consistent rhyme scheme can help to create a rhythmic flow that enhances the reading experience.

2. Metrical Consistency: The poem's meter is inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. For example, the line "Cries of wake up my lords and ladies" is noticeably longer than the other lines in its stanza. Striving for metrical consistency can help to create a more harmonious rhythm.

3. Clarity of Narrative: While the poem creates a strong sense of atmosphere, the narrative can be unclear at times. For example, it's not immediately clear who the speaker is, or what their relationship to the dragons and riders is. Providing more context or clarification can help to make the narrative more engaging and understandable.

4. Use of Sensory Language: The poem effectively uses sensory language to create vivid imagery, such as "smell the musty scent of oils" and "feel the saddle leather". However, there are opportunities to incorporate more sensory details to further immerse the reader in the poem's world. For example, the poem could describe the sounds of the dragons or the tactile sensation of riding one.

5. Punctuation and Grammar: The poem could benefit from more careful use of punctuation and grammar. For instance, the line "I think you too, hear and smell" would be clearer with the addition of a comma after "you". Proper punctuation can help to clarify the poem's meaning and improve its readability.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

Mon, 2023-11-27 19:12

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What a great story that appeals to all the senses, especially smell. Smell is such a powerful thing. I love the relationship between the blind man and his dragon and how they take their last ride together. Great job!

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Tue, 2023-11-28 11:31

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this has been a work of weeks, just pecking away at it. I am glad that you like it. Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
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Ruby Lord

Tue, 2023-11-28 07:03

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We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep.
Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Geezer

Tue, 2023-11-28 11:34

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I get things from my dreams sometimes, and I think it is when my muse can't wake me to tell me in person, or she is too far and can't get back right away. Thank you for the read and comment. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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Unca Fez

Tue, 2023-11-28 14:29

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Although it is reminiscent of The Dragonriders of Pern (Anne McCaffrey), it is truly about honor, courage, pride, and the binding of two souls. It could be based in any of a multitude of cultures that value these traits, but I think using the dragon makes it more intense. Very well done.

Thanx,
Steve

Geezer

Tue, 2023-11-28 16:09

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I have read all of the "Dragons of Pern". and loads of other dragon stories. As I said, just a dream that I had about these two. Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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