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DISSOLUTION (Major ending edit)
Like salty tears in driving rain
our days dissolve unnoticed
as if they'll ever come again,
as if on time we'll ever gain.
All we have are future days
when youth and life flow in our veins.
Time not yet come's the merest haze
like some unremembered phrase.
But to all the small years come and pass
with no chance to ever be reclaimed
they leave like the smell of sassafras
or perfume from new mowed grass.
Too soon the seasons pass us then
the mirror tells us the sad tale
that tides and time don't wait for men
and bring with age that final ken
But a man might be a stone
against which the current breaks
his destiny the one thing he can own
fighting final darkness all alone.
And even when he's worn away
as are all of us by time
with luck there will be some who say
they recall that he came their way.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
I wonder if I should have stopped this after the first stanza?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Sun, 2017-08-20 02:09
I'm glad...
that you didn't. I enjoyed the switch up in pattern and rhythm. It made for an easy, honest poem that resonates with the realization of truth. ~ Gee.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Sun, 2017-08-20 09:35
Hi Geeze
Glad you dropped by and appreciate the comment
author commentarja
Sun, 2017-08-20 04:39
..the free flow of words and
..the free flow of words and its rhymes has taken me to a different kind of portal - one that reflects back from the past and a lingering question of what awaits us.. great write!
scribbler
Sun, 2017-08-20 18:17
Hello!
Welcome back to neopoet. I appreciate your time to read and leave kind comment. If you have any problems navigating site just ask me or any other member.........stan
author commentarja
Wed, 2017-08-23 03:29
thanks stan, hopefully I get
thanks stan, hopefully I get to upload some poems again..
Eumolpus
Tue, 2017-08-22 11:02
your poem
what an opener!;
Like salty tears in driving rain
our days dissolve unnoticed
Those two lines are so strong, the rest of the poem follows in its shadow, I perfectly understand your comment, it has some validity.
This stanza also stands out to me
But to all those small years come and pass
with no chance to ever be reclaimed
they leave like the smell of sassafras
or perfume from the new mowed grass.
I'm not fond of the word fizz in this context, and don't understand the word "ken" . But mostly I do not prefer the last stanza, telling us to live for the moment. The poem must make us feel that way, and surely there are a great many poems and song lyrics on this theme- just stating it outright lessens its effect.
So I think there are some excellent ideas and images here, a difficult theme because of its popularity, it's hard to find a fresh way to approach it. But you have definitely found a few lines and images here that are well worth the reading.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
scribbler
Tue, 2017-08-22 15:18
Hello
Ken is an old word that connotes the gaining of wisdom or understanding. i am continuously going back and editing my stuff and I Know this one needs a great deal before the entire poem is levitated to the level of its beginning. I will keep you ideas in mind as i do this. appreciate your dropping by......stan
author commentOmenogor Chidi ...
Mon, 2017-08-28 00:00
DISSOLUTION
Great poem.....one of the best I've seen so far
scribbler
Mon, 2017-08-28 07:54
Thank you
For both the read and kind comment.........stan
author comment